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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 5:24:13 PM
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dnp200450
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quote:
I have been told my sons would be better off if I gave them up
That's terrible!
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 5:55:56 PM
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actorguy282
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From: dusty west texas
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I've been reading all these posts and there are some good arguements on both sides but why do we have to keep injecting politics into these things?This is a serious matter and by injecting a political point of view into it just cheapens the discussion.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 6:38:10 PM
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Elena1030
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quote:
ORIGINAL: actorguy282
I've been reading all these posts and there are some good arguements on both sides but why do we have to keep injecting politics into these things?This is a serious matter and by injecting a political point of view into it just cheapens the discussion.
Hmm... I didn't read any political posts in this thread. But maybe I just didn't pick up on it.
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Prayer thread for singles who desire to marry someday
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 7:44:37 PM
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trainfan
Posts: 3074
Joined: 7/26/2007
From: The land of confusion
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Elena1030
quote:
ORIGINAL: actorguy282
I've been reading all these posts and there are some good arguements on both sides but why do we have to keep injecting politics into these things?This is a serious matter and by injecting a political point of view into it just cheapens the discussion.
Hmm... I didn't read any political posts in this thread. But maybe I just didn't pick up on it.
After re-reading the thread neither did I.
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Disappoints are inevitable, discouragment is a choice.
Dr. Charles Stanley.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/17/2009 9:58:31 PM
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A-Mighty-Oak
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This discussion reminds me of Carolyn Koons, who Focus on The Family actually featured one time. She adopted someone from Mexico and I do believe that she was a single parent.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/18/2009 7:22:46 AM
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jhuperetes
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There is a single young lady who is in the process of adopting a child from Haiti.
I do understand your concern.
I just think that being an orphan is more damaging than being a single-parent adopted child.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
This is not a combative statement towards anyone so please don't take it that way, but does anyone know of a single Christian parent who has taken matters into her own hands and adopted a child who is a well rounded, balanced kid? Does anyone know how the person went about doing it, how G-d spoke to her and lead her in the direction to do so?
I'm truly curious because I haven't met anyone who has. The only single parents I know who have adopted had a LOT of issues but they weren't Christians so I'm wondering if that makes as huge of a difference as I would hope.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/18/2009 9:29:20 AM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
For another most of the social services agencies are overrun with social liberals. If you're not gay or "progressive" then you are seen as being an undesirable parent.
John, that's an awfully broad, inaccurate brush you're painting with. I've worked in social services long enough and in a wide enough area to know that most of social services in staffed by good Christian people. Maybe that's the way it is in "progressive cities", but not in this city, nor in most areas of the US... only a few.
Let me apologize and fine tune my brush a bit  . My best friend is in social services (You've met him) and yes he is a good strong Christian conservative.
But that's not how it is in most of the country. From what I've heard the northeast, most big cities and most of the upper midwest rust belt suffers from far too many social liberals in this field. You just can't seem to get a baby unless you're a pervert. I know bunches of people who have adopted here. I only know of 3 kids who were of the same race as their parents and they are all adults now. Most of the rest are Asian. I do know a few couples who adopted European (Romanian) and one couple who adopted 2 sets of siblings (hispanic) from south Texas (And they had to fight tooth and nail to get the kids as, being Christian and conservative they were looked at as undesirable to the social workers down there. The judges loved them but the adoption establishment did not)
And it's likely to get worse. Many more socially liberal areas are mandating that adoption agencies must place kids with homosexual couples (that is, they cannot discriminate against anyones chosen sexual perversion) and in some of these places (Massachusettes and the Catholic agencies for one) The agency is getting out of adoptions entirely.
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/18/2009 9:34:16 AM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Tinkerbell_
This is not a combative statement towards anyone so please don't take it that way, but does anyone know of a single Christian parent who has taken matters into her own hands and adopted a child who is a well rounded, balanced kid? Does anyone know how the person went about doing it, how G-d spoke to her and lead her in the direction to do so?
I'm truly curious because I haven't met anyone who has. The only single parents I know who have adopted had a LOT of issues but they weren't Christians so I'm wondering if that makes as huge of a difference as I would hope.
Let me ammend my apology post. I do know one such lady who has adopted a girl. The girl is about 14 now (I think) and has always had behavioral problems. She's much more 'masculine' than I'd expect a girl (even a tomboy) to be. But we really won't know if she turns out OK until a few more years go by. She's only had a male presence in the house for about 2 years when her mom married (and then divorced) a guy from her church.
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/18/2009 9:40:59 AM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: betterisoneday
I have been told my sons would be better off if I gave them up and for a long time I believed it.
Entirely different situation. Your sons are your sons and removing them from their parent who loves them and is able to take care of them would be sinning against them. There is a quality all to itself about being with your birth parent.
To be blatant: Your sons would not be better off if you gave them up. (And it was an incredibly wrong and cruel thing for whomever said that to say)
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/18/2009 10:55:47 AM
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Cute-N-Sassy
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: Grace-N-Mercy
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
For another most of the social services agencies are overrun with social liberals. If you're not gay or "progressive" then you are seen as being an undesirable parent.
John, that's an awfully broad, inaccurate brush you're painting with. I've worked in social services long enough and in a wide enough area to know that most of social services in staffed by good Christian people. Maybe that's the way it is in "progressive cities", but not in this city, nor in most areas of the US... only a few.
Let me apologize and fine tune my brush a bit . My best friend is in social services (You've met him) and yes he is a good strong Christian conservative.
But that's not how it is in most of the country. From what I've heard the northeast, most big cities and most of the upper midwest rust belt suffers from far too many social liberals in this field. You just can't seem to get a baby unless you're a pervert. I know bunches of people who have adopted here. I only know of 3 kids who were of the same race as their parents and they are all adults now. Most of the rest are Asian. I do know a few couples who adopted European (Romanian) and one couple who adopted 2 sets of siblings (hispanic) from south Texas (And they had to fight tooth and nail to get the kids as, being Christian and conservative they were looked at as undesirable to the social workers down there. The judges loved them but the adoption establishment did not)
And it's likely to get worse. Many more socially liberal areas are mandating that adoption agencies must place kids with homosexual couples (that is, they cannot discriminate against anyones chosen sexual perversion) and in some of these places (Massachusettes and the Catholic agencies for one) The agency is getting out of adoptions entirely.
No need to apologize... I made a generalization too. I stayed away from the social work field as long as I could because I'd heard horror stories like the ones you described -- I didn't want to be a part of a liberalist agenda. But what I found was that there are many Christians in the field... I just didn't realize it was limited to the Bible belt.  Oh, and I really don't consider my state to be "bible belt" since we're so diverse. There is a line about four hours North of here where the Bible belt/Southern States ends, so I was very pleasantly surprised to find such conservative values in this area. I've been doing this for over 10 years now and continue to be surprised.
And to get this back OT...
quote:
I just think that being an orphan is more damaging than being a single-parent adopted child.
I agree with this. While it is ideal for children to grow up in an intact family with two healthy adults, a loving single-parent home can be good for the children, too. I am a single parent and have always, always wished that weren't the case. But then I would look at the situation we would've been in, and I feel very blessed. What we try to do as single parents is to give our children as much contact with others as we can... it might be the other parent, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... we feel inadequate in doing it alone.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/18/2009 2:00:58 PM
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betterisoneday
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I did not mean for my previous comment to go off topic. Yes I have been told that. The reason I brought it up was that the thought behind the comment was kids should be in a two-parent family. And to explain a bit where my thoughts came from.
If a child's parents died/didn't act like parents and there was no other family to take them in would it be best for them to go to a solid two-parent family; yes. But I was raised in all denominations of churches and while I'm extremely glad I saw a few couples adopt; I heard many more comments about not wanting to adopt for a multitude of reasons (some good/some stupid). I have to look at it practically and know that most (IME) two-parent families are not at all open to adoption so why shouldn't a single person step up and take care of them.
Like this quote: (I very much agree)
quote:
I just think that being an orphan is more damaging than being a single-parent adopted child.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/18/2009 7:59:10 PM
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blueeyedgirl2
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Wow. . . thanks everyone for sharing your opinions. It's going to take me some time to work through all you had to say! Here's a few initial thoughts. . .
About doing foster care. . . how would that work since I work full-time? It seems wrong to put a foster child in day care. Also. . .I don't know if my heart could handle "losing" the child. I tend to get attached quite quickly to kids.
About special needs adoption. . . The nurse in me thinks that could be a good idea, but I'd need to think over very carefully what I could handle.
Have any of you heard about embryo adoption? Would your opinion of being a single parent change if that was the case?
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/21/2009 5:39:47 PM
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tz3
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Sorry, I guess something went wrong with the web site. I don't remember what I wrote, but I'll try to remember. It may be a bit off topic now as it was based on the very first post so I don't know how helpful it will be but here it goes.
My basis for my answer is the fact that I am now a single mom not by choice but by the fact that my husband passed away 3 years ago come this March, and I have been a church nursery director and a school substitute, and a youth ministry worker and now I am an elementary cafeteria manager with 3 teenage boys ages 15,17 and 20.
It as never my dream nor my husbands dream to divorce nor be widow(ed); we did everything we could to keep our marriage together. R had both parents growing up but the one parent was not a fit parent and brought a lot of pain and heart ache on the whole family and because of my ignorance I would end up paying a high price for marrying into this family with a problem parent. Me on the other hand, I am the product of a divorced family. My parents divorced when I was 5 and I was the youngest of 7 children.
I agree that some children are better off living with the fittest of the two parents where abuse is concerned. I am hard core on this view point.
I agree that kids should not be removed from their parents of origin at all cost. I believe retraining via parent education, counseling, and having to prove they are sticking with the program should be attempted first. I realize that because of sin and lack of knowledge and self control some parents are not able to clean up their act and I believe the children should then be placed with the next of kin when at all possible and available.
I believe that weather by a child is brought up in a single parent household by choice via legitimate divorce or death or adopted by a single person is no different. The point here is that the child is loved, nurtured and brought up with good morals and grounding in the Word of God. It would be better for a child have at least one parent as opposed to no parent however being in a group home or foster care is infinitely better than being out on the street period so I do not view orphanages or foster homes with disdain as at least someone cares enough to put up money to provide food clothing and education for the child. What our orphans have to face now a days is a far cry from what they had to face decades ago or what some other countries are capable of providing for their own citizens. So those in America really have it pretty good in comparison.
But no matter what I believe does not matter. What is important is what God has ordained for your life. He is the only one that has this answer. So it doesn't matter what the pros and cons are to the issue if it is ordained then it will happen. If it isn't you may be inviting strife into your life God never intended to be there. What God has planned for your life will go off without a hitch but the journey along the way may be more complicated then what you bargained for or it may have long lasting consequences yet to be seen.
I believe that becoming a single parent by choice must be inspired of God, Directed by God and Provided by God every step of the way to make sure you are in the will of God and this is simply not just a way for you to fulfill a personal desire sooner than what God had planned. I believe if you seek God's will in this matter He will make His will for your life clearly known to you and I would not proceed without it.
Abraham and Sarah were promised that they would become a great nation and that their dependence would be more numerous then the number of stars they were able to count. Sarah lost hope and gave her slave girl to Abram to fulfill this prophesy, but this is not what God intended. God did honor his promise to Abram by making Ishmael into a great nation same as Issac. The consequences of this are still felt today even though that sounded like a petty good deal at the time. This is one of those be careful what you ask for instances.
Now if your motivation behind your question is because God has given you a green light to go forward with this and you want to be prepared then all I have to say is that adoptive kids have more right then children of origin. You can not disown an adoptive child like you can a child of origin. While children start out adorable they do grow up and develop their own ideas and attitudes sometimes different from yours and you can not control their every action. If you think they will not push you to the brink of wanting to disown them they will that is why the law exists. Teens need their parents same as infants and toddlers and elementary children just in different ways and each stage of development brings it's own demands and challenges. Raising a child is for a life time. Your life time not just until the child is of legal age to leave home. Even after they are grown, married and have families of their own they will come back for support and advice.
I am a huge believer that children need both a mother and a father I was before I lost my husband and I still am even though God our Heavenly Father has now taken over that roll in the lives my children and he is perhaps doing a better job than any mortal man could my children still miss being able to share, bond, and seek out advice and that concrete example of how to be a Godly man before their eyes. Instead they must walk even closer with God and be in tune with Him so that God can highlight the actions of a godly man being modeled before their eyes as it is happening. They must be reading their Bible daily so that God can correctly teach them through His word right from wrong and develop proper attitudes and habits and desires with in them. This requires them to be born again saved Christians of their own desire. It is their walk not mine. I can not do it for them I can only encourage them and ask them what God has taught them today or this week or what God might want them to take from a situation that is going on in their lives. This is the same thing that God does with any of us the difference is it is happening with them at a much earlier age. I am blessed that my children have this kind of relationship with God. It helps me to relax and trust in God even more because I see how He is working it out in their lives and if he is capable of doing this in the lives of my children where I can see it then I know He is doing it in my life even though I am too close to the situation to see the progress or results sometimes and get discouraged and down. It is a lie from the enemy and I have learned that I need to put on my armor of God and do battle.
The ultimate goal of any parent is that their children have it better than they did, but we as christian until recently have limited this to the same thing as worldly parents do and that is things and opportunities often times causing imbalances not improvements. Children who can't hold down jobs, or balance a check book or who have no desire to move out or start a family clearly not biblical. So my whole calling and platform is to get those who's children are not yet grown and out of the house and those who have not yet begun to think a head at what they want the finished product to look, and act like. If you goal is to have a child that is well educated, good with money and morally and biblical straight then make the sacrifice and necessary investment and training in choices you make from day one that point you in that direction; it will solve a variety of discipline issues before they ever arise. If you want boys who by the age of 15 or 20 are ready to marry and are capable of providing then consider what challenges you can intentionally create that will create a strong, confident, growneded in the word young man who isn't going to back down from what he believes and knows how to seek God's will, wisdom and direction. If you want a girl who by the age of 20 is ready to settle down and start a family then start creating opportunities for her to learn caring and nurturing skills, management skills, conflict resolution skills, social graces, and how to seek God's will, wisdom and direction in her life. Teach her how to honor and respect and submit to a man's authority without loosing her identity or compromising her beliefs for the sake of keeping the peace as some times we do need to take a stand and she must feel confident in her support system. She must learn that her worth and value comes from God not from man if she is not going to give in to hormonal desires. This is best taught by the Dad. Just as boys learn best from Mom how to treat a woman his woman by how Mom allows Dad to treat her on his worst day. So something can be learned from both Mom and Dad on both their good days and most especially their bad days. If there is no Mom or Dad in the picture these lesson are never learned and must be learned by trial and error. If the pupil is not walking with God but chooses the wrong path it will be painful and they may never want to repeat the experience again not knowing there is a right way to do it that will get them to the other side safely. If these lesson are learned without both parents it is in my opinion clearly a God thing as God has opened up that child's eyes to see, and learn from someone else without having to experience the negative first hand. It is not improbable or impossible but it is less likely.
I hope I have come across supportive, encouraging and perhaps have given you something to think about. If this is God's will for your life it may not be for fulfillment tomorrow or even the day after. He may simply be preparing you for something down the road. So don't get a head of yourself. Seek His will and wait for Him to confirm and provide.
< Message edited by tz3 -- 11/21/2009 6:01:50 PM >
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/22/2009 9:36:06 PM
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blueeyedgirl2
Posts: 3013
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quote:
I believe that becoming a single parent by choice must be inspired of God, Directed by God and Provided by God every step of the way to make sure you are in the will of God and this is simply not just a way for you to fulfill a personal desire sooner than what God had planned. I believe if you seek God's will in this matter He will make His will for your life clearly known to you and I would not proceed without it.
tz3. . .thanks for that thoughtful post. I really liked the paragraph above. I completely agree.
Today at church one of our members talked about adoption. Apparently it's national adoption awareness month or something like that. She showed a video that was really heart-wrenching. Lots of beautiful children just lifting their arms up wanting to be held and loved. She is actually the regional director for an adoption agency I had not heard of before. It seems to be all about Bethany Christian Services around here since their headquarters are here. I love Bethany, but it was good to hear of a different organization that is driven to care for the orphans of this world. They do mission trips so I might look into that. There are 150 million orphans in this world. Something has to change.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/23/2009 4:07:47 PM
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tz3
Posts: 728
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ORIGINAL: blueeyedgirl2
quote:
They do mission trips so I might look into that.
I think this is an excelent step for you to take. I would encourage you to also see what you could do to volunteer here at home to compare and contrast. It is important to be knowlegeable. You will never look at children on the street the same way again.
quote:
There are 150 million orphans in this world. Something has to change.
I would like to see the next of kin take orphans in.
I would like to see Governments stop mandating how few or how many a couple should produce.
I would like to see all countries compensate their soldiers families who are left behind upon his/her death.
But reality is that there will always be those who do not belong to a formal millitary group who are displaced because of war and starving to death on the road. There will always be those orphaned because their parents fight for what they believe in. There will always be those who parish because of desiese and lack of knowledge. There will always be famine somewhere in the world to the end of time. This is what sets Christians apart from everyone else. Christians were taking these orphans in long before the secular community came along. Just remember that you can not conqure this blemish on humanity alone. You can only do as much as God has blessed you to do. Everyone needs to do their part even if it is not adopting they can give money and things and time. We have to use what God has put in our hands. Do not let the enemy drag you down or make you feel your not doing enough this is not of God. The truth is that if you are doing what God has asked you to do and your doing it with a cherful heart it is the same as worship unto God.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/24/2009 10:08:30 PM
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rgod
Posts: 1877
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blueeyedgirl2
quote:
I believe that becoming a single parent by choice must be inspired of God, Directed by God and Provided by God every step of the way to make sure you are in the will of God and this is simply not just a way for you to fulfill a personal desire sooner than what God had planned. I believe if you seek God's will in this matter He will make His will for your life clearly known to you and I would not proceed without it.
tz3. . .thanks for that thoughtful post. I really liked the paragraph above. I completely agree.
Today at church one of our members talked about adoption. Apparently it's national adoption awareness month or something like that. She showed a video that was really heart-wrenching. Lots of beautiful children just lifting their arms up wanting to be held and loved. She is actually the regional director for an adoption agency I had not heard of before. It seems to be all about Bethany Christian Services around here since their headquarters are here. I love Bethany, but it was good to hear of a different organization that is driven to care for the orphans of this world. They do mission trips so I might look into that. There are 150 million orphans in this world. Something has to change.
Sounds like God might be doing something in your heart concerning this. My heart has always gone out to children as well. If I'm in my 40s and not married, and I can provide a stable home, I would strongly consider it. There are lots of children who need love, who will grow up without parents. I know of single women who have adopted and have provided homes for children. It isn't easy, not by a longshot. But it can be done if God leads you to do it.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/25/2009 3:44:00 PM
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Psalms274
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Here's some good info ...
Several video's on adopting foster kids ... there are 500,000 kids in foster care and 129,000 of those children who are completely free for adoption (no cost ... you become a foster parent through FFA and they have a day once a year where the Lawyers and Judges donate there time for free and the adoption is done on that day). An FFA in your state does the search to match you with the child that fits best. Here is a website that can provide you with more information: Child Welfare.
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http://piswa.blogspot.com/
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/25/2009 5:11:22 PM
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Cute-N-Sassy
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Great info, Psalms and Focusing. That reminds me, children adopted from Foster Care continue to receive benefits, such as Medicaid (it may differ by state), until they turn 18. They may also receive free tuition at a state-college as well.
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RE: Choosing to be a Single Parent - 11/27/2009 1:55:36 PM
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A-Mighty-Oak
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Crosswalk had an article within this past week or 2 about adoption too.
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