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Fritzpw_Admin -> Exasperating your kids (11/4/2009 4:21:47 PM)

quote:


Exasperating your kids
Parenting by Design

Eph 6:4: Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord (NIV).
Today's devotional focuses on the first part of this verse. Tomorrow's focuses on the second.

This verse is packed with parenting instruction. It immediately follows the passage instructing children to honor and obey their parents (Eph 6:1-2), and it helps us see how to make it easier for our children to obey us. The key is to avoid exasperating them.

The Greek word translated "exasperate" means to provoke to anger or to enrage. And, the fastest way to exasperate a child is to micromanage every move, correct each misstep, and point out all the areas he needs to improve.

Read the rest of Exasperating your kids

I so needed this reminder not to exasperate my kids. I do it so easily without even thinking.

Maybe I need a rubber-band to snap my wrist every time I do it.



mamajennleigh -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/4/2009 4:39:52 PM)

quote:

I so needed this reminder not to exasperate my kids. I do it so easily without even thinking.


Same here. I really really really need to work on this.



garsyt -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/4/2009 8:37:20 PM)

So where lies the line between exasperating our kids and pushing them to achieve what we know they are capable of?

Blessings,

Garsy



bolt. -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/4/2009 10:37:39 PM)

I don't see any line between exasperating and 'pushing' -- but maybe that's just semantics. A reasonable amount of encouragement is not what I call 'pushing'.



KaptZ -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/4/2009 10:39:39 PM)

I don't exasperate my daughter. I just tell her if she doesn't behave, I will pick her up from school wearing a dress.

Works everytime![:D]



christsstar -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/5/2009 11:07:38 AM)

It's tough, when the kid doesn't respond to gentle encouragement and help. Kid doesn't like homework, refuses to do homework, gets no consequence for failing classes at school.....

Every little word from parents causes kid to feel exasperated and angry.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/5/2009 11:26:33 AM)

Very true.

And each child reacts so differently that I don't know which way is up sometimes. And when hormones come into effect? Pfffft...you might as well lock someone up in a closet for about 10 years because all you as a parent will be doing is exasperating your child.

And I'm not quite sure who needs to lock up whom because there are some days I would be more than happy to be sequestered from the world when dealing with my 13 year old. [8D]



stampinlady -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/5/2009 11:38:09 AM)

Get to know your child inside and out. I've found that the more I and dh do this the more we know what makes them the way they do . Get to know yourself too. Sometimes we have to deal with the sin in our lives that's causing us to react negativly to our childs tempermant.

School issues:
If you're homeschooling and this is happening way to often maybe you shouldn't be homeschooling? If your kids in public school and your child is struggling and you can't help, get help from your school.

Spiritual issues:

Don't assume that your teen is a believer simply because they prayed a prayer when they were little. If you seen no growth there's a problem. This can really exasperate parents and they intern exasperate their kids teens because they don't understand why their teen isn't accepting Godly things. Come along side and grow together with your kids. There are no guarentees, but you can look back without regrets.



W.O.F. -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/5/2009 12:45:24 PM)

I think it really comes down to ....

Not nagging. Train them from the time they are LITTLE to respond within a reasonable amount of time to your requests....you do this by doing it for them, as well as encouraging/correcting them for doing/not doing it.

Listening to them...hear what they are saying...not just the words, but what they are REALLY saying.

Don't micromanage.....if they forget something...say..hey..I think you left something undone or point out what they forgot (example...my tweenie daughter the other day had dish duty...she failed to wipe off one of the counters...when she got out of the shower...I simply said...."kiddo...you forgot to wipe a counter...could you do it now please?" then left her to do it.
don't stand there and tell them exactly how to do something that you have already taught them how to do...even if they don't do it exactly like you would. Does it really matter if the towels are crooked, or folded a little differently? At the end of the day....does it change someone's life?

don't hover: be there for them...but don't helicopter on them.



christsstar -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/5/2009 6:12:22 PM)

Each child is different.

My 13 y/o step-daughter can't eat dinner without being reminded to chew each bite. Getting homework done is a nightmare.

The 15 y/o is an angel when it comes to everything except passing his classes.



stampinlady -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/5/2009 6:33:53 PM)

Chris, ds needs to be reminded to chew with his mouth closed and he's 15. He has braces and we know it's harder, but please after awhile it gets old.[&o]



W.O.F. -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/6/2009 7:45:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: christsstar

Each child is different.

My 13 y/o step-daughter can't eat dinner without being reminded to chew each bite. Getting homework done is a nightmare.

The 15 y/o is an angel when it comes to everything except passing his classes.

and that is why it is important to know your child.....

You can remind the 13 year old for every bite...or you can do it in a nagging irritated voice. A lot of what makes the difference between encouraging and nagging is OUR attitude about it......

and let's face it...at some point we are going to do everything RIGHT and our kids may still get angry at us....

but I think the Bible verse is talking about parents who KNOW that what they are doing causes anger UNNECESSARILY...and they do it anyway......or they don't care enough to listen and find a way to work with their child in a more productive manner.



mamajennleigh -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/6/2009 10:52:56 AM)

quote:

but I think the Bible verse is talking about parents who KNOW that what they are doing causes anger UNNECESSARILY...and they do it anyway......or they don't care enough to listen and find a way to work with their child in a more productive manner.


I have been guilty of this more times than I want to admit, especially when I am frustrated by the kids. I sometimes simply don't know any other way to be, but I'm working on that. It's really hard when you are a control-freak deep down (or in my case not so deep down), and when you feel as if you are failing your kids if you don't "help" them get it exactly right.

I also have trouble telling if they are falling short because they are being lazy (definitely an issue in our household) or if they are falling short because I'm asking for more than is age-appropriate.



W.O.F. -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/6/2009 12:42:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mamajennleigh

quote:

but I think the Bible verse is talking about parents who KNOW that what they are doing causes anger UNNECESSARILY...and they do it anyway......or they don't care enough to listen and find a way to work with their child in a more productive manner.


....

I also have trouble telling if they are falling short because they are being lazy (definitely an issue in our household) or if they are falling short because I'm asking for more than is age-appropriate.

I think we ALL wrestle with that one......whether what we are asking is age appropriate....

And that can happen in either direction...expecting too much too soon...or not expecting enough......

I think THAT is one of the hardest areas of parenting to get the "hang of"...



christsstar -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/9/2009 3:00:25 PM)

quote:

You can remind the 13 year old for every bite...or you can do it in a nagging irritated voice. A lot of what makes the difference between encouraging and nagging is OUR attitude about it......


I agree.

Again, every child is different. Some feel exasperated after one reminder, others can handle 15-20 reminders. It's also VERY mood dependent.



W.O.F. -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/9/2009 3:56:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: christsstar

quote:

You can remind the 13 year old for every bite...or you can do it in a nagging irritated voice. A lot of what makes the difference between encouraging and nagging is OUR attitude about it......


I agree.

Again, every child is different. Some feel exasperated after one reminder, others can handle 15-20 reminders. It's also VERY mood dependent.

Amen to that!



garsyt -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/9/2009 4:27:47 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: mamajennleigh

quote:

but I think the Bible verse is talking about parents who KNOW that what they are doing causes anger UNNECESSARILY...and they do it anyway......or they don't care enough to listen and find a way to work with their child in a more productive manner.


I have been guilty of this more times than I want to admit, especially when I am frustrated by the kids. I sometimes simply don't know any other way to be, but I'm working on that. It's really hard when you are a control-freak deep down (or in my case not so deep down), and when you feel as if you are failing your kids if you don't "help" them get it exactly right.

I also have trouble telling if they are falling short because they are being lazy (definitely an issue in our household) or if they are falling short because I'm asking for more than is age-appropriate.


Jen,

You are so not alone here!

I KNOW very well what my kids are capable of. They are smart, practical, good kids. They are for the most part very obedient, but they are very lazy sometimes. For example: I ask for my dd to make sure everything she needs for school is packed into her bag the night before because her bus comes very early and we just don't have time to fiddle around in the morning looking for books, id cards or gym clothes. Easy right? Very appropriate for a nearly 12 year old 6th grader, No? But there have been countless mornings when I find her ID card sitting on my desk next to the computer - AFTER the bus has left or I find homework sitting on the homework table from the night before. Or these things actually do make it to her bag, just not to be turned in to the teacher the next day because she can't find the due to the stated of her organizational binder or she simply didn't put it where it belongs.

SO . . . I'm getting on her day after day after day to get this down. Not turning in assignments is really bringing down her grades. She is so much smarter than this. She is perfectly capable of getting A's and B's, but she's getting D's and F's. And all I can do is reminder her day after day after day to do what it takes. Her older brother is much the same way. The only difference it is that she has a much higher tolerance level when it comes to dealing with my husband and I's daily "reminders and reprimands and consequences" then her brother is.

So I KNOW I'm not to be exasperating my children, but somedays I think, from the attitudes I get back from my kids that I'm either not pushing hard enough or my husband and I have gone to far. But again how do you know you've crossed the line from encouragement and pushing them and going to far?

Blessings,

Garsy



bolt. -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/9/2009 4:57:48 PM)

I'm not sure why the situation of her forgetting her things and being graded down for not handing things in is very bothersome to a parent. (OK, I can see why, but I mean that I think that's the wrong perspective to look at a situation like this from.)

I would be concerned if she refused to do the assignments, or if she wasn't learning what needed to be learned... but grades are not an excellent indicator of such things, as we see in your situation. She's smart, and she's learning fine.

In this case, isn't getting a semester or a year of poor grades (in 6th grade) and excellent route to long term learning that organization and attention to due dates is valuable? As long as learning continues, there I don't see a problem with standing-by while the consequences of her choices fall in her own lap. Likewise, I expect not having ID card or gym clothes carried built-in inconvenience for her.

To me those things are pretty good self-solving problems that don't call for any kind of parental exasperation.



christsstar -> RE: Exasperating your kids (11/10/2009 3:51:44 PM)

Garsy ... my step-daughter is 13 and in 8th grade and is exactly the same.

I fear she will never grow out of it.

She has to be reminded every day to do homework. There are behavioral issues as well, but her flakiness alone has caused her to get some bad grades. Leaving homework in the locker. Leaving homework at home. What really gets me is leaving clothes in her locker. What the heck is she wearing at school if there are clothes in her locker!?!?!?!?!?

She's been like this as long as I've known her. I think her mother enables her, blaming everything on her ADHD.

To keep this post on topic, some days the constant reminders exasperate her. Some days they help. It's difficult to know what days are going to get what response.

DH and I have taken a new approach to school, as well. I'm much more patient with her than he is when it comes to the speed at which she does her homework. He will exasperate her the second he walks through the door; so he doesn't ask any school related questions until it comes to everything being done for the night.



Z_Hall -> RE: Exasperating your kids (3/15/2010 9:22:59 PM)

It's inspiring and refreshing to see parents examining Eph 6:4 at this level.

No idea how you maintain patience with teens who forget to chew, forget homework etc. I have a few "executive functioning" challenges of my own. Supportive structures such as the reminder function on my mobile and task breakdown-and-scheduling software limit the extent to which I exasperate myself, so I'd be well tempted to help a teen implement something like this. I don't think Eph 6:4 means parents must avoid conflict at all costs.

When I read Eph 6:4, I think of ...

A few years ago, I was visiting my parents. Two youngest sibs each had a large bucket of Lego or something similar. They'd earned much of it through work and scripture memory, I don't know the details. They enjoyed playing together and were VERY careful to keep their pieces separate. Pieces loaned or traded during play sessions were sorted at the end, etc.

For some reason, our father decided to use these when playing with a visiting grandkid ...and he intentionally mixed their sets. Both were deeply provoked to wrath (it's a KJV household!) and he had a litany of reasons he'd done this for their own good. Apparently their way of sorting these had been bothering him for a while.

Insulting the youngest then blaming me for her tears was another example on that visit. She was crushed and feared I'd believed him. Na kiddo, I might've been born 21 years earlier and never had my own bucket of Lego, but we had the exact same parents. These were fairly mild examples, but seemed so needlessly malicious and petty. They claim they've improved vastly since I was young; fortunately, I don't recall them being any worse. Mother was at least as bad but far subtler, adept at covert provocation.

Haven't dealt with the kind of exasperation you describe yet, as my son's just a toddler. When out and about, I'm surprised at the number of people who overtax the limits of their kids' nervous systems then think it's a behaviour issue. Presuming he has my genes (although there's zero visual evidence of that), he can only handle so much outside noise and hectic before needing to refuel. He also needs a lot of running-around-outside time, which I arrange in somewhat unconventional ways. It's easy to imagine I'm an adequate parent at this point.



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