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Fritzpw_Admin -> Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/4/2009 11:48:48 AM)

quote:


Never Give Up Parenting a Difficult Teen
Mark Gregston
Heartlight Ministries


If you're dealing with a wayward teen, you know how relationally fatigued, emotionally beaten up, and personally worn down you can get. In fact, you may right now be thinking, "I've been pushing against this wall forever…I just can't do it anymore." But let me encourage you to never give up…keep parenting, even when the going with your troubled teen gets toughest.

I understand just how confusing and tiring it is. I've spent most of my life working with dozens of struggling teens at a time! So, here are a few ways I've learned to cope…

Overcome Worry and Find Peace

I have learned that in the midst of the worst storms with teenagers, peace is still possible, and peace can spread from you to your teen. It's infectious! The first step to find peace is to shift from worrying to meditating on God, entrusting the problems — and your teenager — to Him.

Peace is the direct opposite of worry. The situation with your teen won't improve when you worry. In fact, when worry takes control, it usually makes matters worse for everyone. So, where does the tendency to worry come from? Well, we know it doesn't come from God. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." #OnlineBible

Peace can grow in your heart when sitting in the presence of the Lord, "being still." It is difficult to accomplish these days, as every minute seems to be filled with the hustle and bustle of 21st century life. However, when quality time with the Savior is given priority, peace can come amidst the turmoil.

Read the rest of Never Give Up Parenting a Difficult Teen


I really like this quote from the article:
"It's easy to be so overwhelmed by problems with your teen's behavior that you fail to recognize any progress. "

What have you found helps you in dealing with your teens?



Taffy_ -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/4/2009 12:23:27 PM)

These work for me.

1. I try to put myself in his shoes and see the situation from his point of view.
2. I do not expect him to react or to reason like a "man" ... he's not .. but he is learning to be.
3. I focus on the good.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/4/2009 1:09:23 PM)

I remember how stressed I would get over the silliest things as a kid and my parents laughing at me. I make it a point to take my children seriously and understand that even though I think something is trivial, it really isn't to them.

Communicate, communicate, communicate. So many times I hear of disconnects between parents and teenagers and my first question is generally, "How do things go when you talk about them?" "What? We don't talk about them. We never have time." MAKE TIME TO TALK TO YOUR KIDS. We talk while cooking breakfast, while driving in the car, while playing in the park...whatever. We talk about mundane things, we talk about serious things, we talk about potentially embarrassing things, but we do talk and rarely am I taken by surprise.

Realising that no matter how I instill my values and my opinions into my boys they are ALWAYS going to have their own minds and I need to respect that, regardless of how I feel.

If they believe in something that goes COMPLETELY against my belief I can't "make" them change their mind but I can help educate and show different sides of the story without devaluing what they think or feel.



Taffy_ -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/4/2009 1:15:22 PM)

I also think that us single mom's need to stop worrying about what subjects are "uncomfortable" for us. My older son has asked questions and told me a couple of things that I don't want to think "my little boy" is worried about, thinking, or doing but when he saw/sees that I don't outwardly freak out about them it makes it easier for HIM to talk to me about all things.



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/4/2009 1:34:10 PM)

Oooohhhh yes. That's something that people need to get over quickly regardless if it's a single parent or not.

Men need to be able to discuss female issues factually and women need to be able to discuss male issues factually without causing the child shame by being squimish or embarrassed.

Life happens, biology happens and we can't stop it and there is no need to act like it's all weird just because it does.



Taffy_ -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/4/2009 2:14:49 PM)

Another one ... I don't compare him to other people. For example... Joe picks up his room everyday and helps his parents do __________ why don't you do that?



Tinkerbell_ -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/4/2009 2:17:30 PM)

Definite no-no.

Although if I see a child do something that is completely obnoxious I look at the Things and am like, "If you ever did that I would smack you snotless." or something like that. It's generally met with a, "And this is why I have never done this." [:D]



charity7 -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/4/2009 6:16:50 PM)

Pick one issue at a time---
Is a messy room really worth an argument? If it wont keep them out of heaven, or if it is not a Biblical principle--LET IT GO! I never argued over messy rooms, or other non issues. sometimes they do things for the shock reasons--laughe often--so they color their hair purple--laugh and let it go they will get tired of it!![sm=heart.gif][8D]



stampinlady -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/4/2009 7:40:26 PM)

Pick your battles, pray before you speak and always be willing to listen even if you think your head will explode. And if your kids been raised in church and you don't see any spiritual growth, don't assume that the prayer they said at 5 saved them.



42servehymn -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/5/2009 12:42:46 PM)

My heart really goes out to single parents with difficult teens. My oldest son sailed through his teen years with no issues but my youngest son was a huge challenge through the middle school years and without my husband and I both there I don't know how we would have gotten through it. When one of us was ready to give up the other one stepped up. I will credit my husband though. He had a couple of really important conversations with my son that were critical to my son turning around. One took place in the car when we first became aware of my son making poor choices. My husband told him that he did not realize how foolish he was being by throwing away the trust that we had in him and just how difficult it would be to get that back once it was gone. He told my son to remember this conversation. He referred back to that conversation numerous times over the next few years. Another was when my son and I had really had a yelling match and my husband came home and spoke with my son somewhat aggressively and told him "You can NOT speak to my wife like that!" At the time my son had a girlfriend and my husband reasoned with him that if someone spoke to his girlfriend the way he had just spoken to his mother that my son would certainly come to her defense. He was allowed to disagree with me but not speak in a disrespectful manner. I don't think he really did much after that. One of the most impressionable things that my husband did during this time also was that he and my son would go to a coffee shop that was near my son's middle school every morning before school started. MANY times my son would be horribly angry at these meetings and my dear patient husband would sit across from him and read the paper and discuss aloud what was in the paper that day. He was often met with stony silence but sometimes my son would engage in these discussions. My son is 20 years old now and I can see very clearly how these morning talks shaped his opinions and thinking. Our son got his first job at 14 working in a restaurant. I definitely can see that the experience of a job was beneficial for him almost more than what he was learning in school. Our son started coming around pretty much in his first year of high school. What we did may not work for others but I am sure glad it worked for us. There was also much praying during those years by us and by others. Oddly enough we had a near death experience (kids behaving stupidly that could have ended tragically) with that son also that changed the way I dealt with him. I realized many things were not a hill to die on and I think I loosened up a bit. Maybe that experience changed him as well.



Taffy_ -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/5/2009 8:45:25 PM)

My teen son went through a stage wherein he had died his hair red, wore guyliner and black nail polish. Once he discovered that it didn't bother me ... as long as he wasn't using MY eyeliner... he stopped. His clothes, hair color etc aren't important to me. As long as his clothes and body are properly washed [;)]



42servehymn -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/5/2009 11:40:23 PM)

Both of my sons did some hair dye experimentation (only colors found in nature) and some weird clothes but that didn't bother us at all when compared with life choices and friendship choices.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/6/2009 7:26:32 PM)

Dont make a big thing out of little things. Save the strong arm tactics for the REALLY important things. Never appear shocked no matter what happens, what they say or what they do. If they bring home a very strange looking boy/girlfriend, dont bat an eyelid, just say hello nicely and treat them as guests. Been there, done that.

I became a single mum when my 2 youngest children were 14 and 18. The hardest few years of my life.Dont know how I get through it. This was compounded by the fact that their dad had hurt them badly and left us all in an emotional mess.I was the only parent left around to take it all out on.

However they do eventually become human again in their early 20's (sort of)Now my children are aged 24,29 and 31 they are lovely.(I also have a lovely new husband of four years who my kids really like)



silent12 -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/7/2009 5:12:14 PM)

My tip (although I am not a parent to a teenager, I do care for one at times) is to put it in perspective; if they are not in any danger then it is not worth hurting them over it. My mother almost kicked me out because she had to keep telling me to tidy my room, and my brother got kicked out for being premiscuous ( I really can't spell). We both ended up resenting her and feeling that we couldn't trust her for it.



herestoresmysoul -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/7/2009 5:32:31 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: silent12

My tip (although I am not a parent to a teenager, I do care for one at times) is to put it in perspective; if they are not in any danger then it is not worth hurting them over it. My mother almost kicked me out because she had to keep telling me to tidy my room, and my brother got kicked out for being premiscuous ( I really can't spell). We both ended up resenting her and feeling that we couldn't trust her for it.

wow that is sad. if I kicked my children out for haivng a messy room they would have bene gone by the age of about 8 or 9. A messy room really isnt a big deal. No one ever died of a messy room.



silent12 -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/7/2009 7:06:48 PM)

My room was pretty messy! I used to drink out of mugs and never take them downstairs, I am sure teenagers have a worse sense of smell! Because they were always full of mold and I never seemed to care.



stateofgrace -> RE: Parenting difficult teens - share your tips (11/9/2009 1:51:03 PM)

I liked what herestoresmysoul about the little things, and not making them into big things. Parents I have seen who don't differentiate often end up being over controlling. This exasperates teens and may incite more rebellion (sometimes hidden rebellion).

Tinkerbell_ brought up communication, and that's a biggie. I'll add to it, work on figuring out your teen's communication style. I have one daughter who is very upfront with me about her problems, to the point where I almost feel like she wants me to solve them. My other daughter needs a little coaxing to open up. In both cases, though, I've found that taking them out for a relaxing breakfast or lunch tends to open the channels of communication.



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