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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 3:56:43 PM
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Zhi
Posts: 759
Joined: 7/31/2007
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quote:
You can hire a teenager to babysit in your home (while you're there in another room) for a few hours a day. Its neither cost prohibitive nor is travel involved.
While we iron out the burned house thing and the possibly getting laid off thing, we're living in a 2 bedroom apartment. There really isn't another room to use.
quote:
Was he an only child, did his mother do everything for him until you married? A high school friend is a little like this, he had his wife sleep in the baby's room so he wouldn't be disturbed, she is responsible for the cooking cleaning and presentation of the kids and he is responsible for the money and the yard. I see him a few times a year and it amazes me at what he puts her through. In the 12 years they have been maried she has aged 20.
His parents have 5 kids. He's the oldest. They, um, don't really "do" housework either. Visiting is an adventure. What little they did do was apparently the responsibility of the sole sister (according to her, and she's still kind of bitter about it) and the mom, with the exception of being made to do the dishes as a form of punishment. (And no. I've never asked him to do the dishes, for that very reason.) We got married in college, the apartment he lived in with 3 other guys was always quite neat, but as I said, that's probably because one of the other guys was doing more than his share (fun when you realize things in hindsight).
We don't currently have a yard. When we did, I did the yard work, with a couple of very rare exceptions.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 4:15:25 PM
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armywifey
Posts: 80
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Thanks for the further explanation OP, sounds like you guys have had a tough go, and are struggling financially, yet God has not forsaken you, and he still provides. They say that financial problems are the number one reason for divorce. I believe it's b/c it causes a lot of stress, and lets face it, it can cause us to be selfish about what monetary thing is important and which isn't. It is probably hard on his ego as a man knowing that he can barely provide, and he's probably misdirecting his frustrations onto you. I will be honest by saying that I have held resentment towards my husband, b/c I am one of those wives who ''does it all'', but unlike you, I do not work, however I am always doing volunteer work, or involved with a kids activity or something, we have a BIG brood, so it's not like I'm sitting around w/ nothing to do, and nowhere to go.
Thankfully if i am feeling overwhelmed, i ask him to help and he will. Men are not mind readers, and i got over the ''I shouldn't have to ask him, he shoud just do it'', b/c again, they are not mind readers. When i look at the big picture, if that' s the most of my trouble, then we are sitting pretty. At least i have a husband to cook for, and ppl to clean after. There are women out there that have gone thru the loss of a husband or child who would probably give her right arm to do thse things for the loved one that passed.
You are still a new mom, and that in and of itself is a hard transition, let alone with all the problems you guys have. You need to step back, breath, gain a different perspective, and let some of that built up resentment go. If you don't, that first step can't be made. Start counting your blessings and try to thank God for all the things that are going right... before you know it, that resentment will diminish. God can and will work on both of you, it may not be simutaneously, it may be individually, but let go and let God!
Do you still love him? Nobody has asked that of you yet. I hope the answer is yes. If it is, then you can get thru this!
< Message edited by armywifey -- 11/4/2009 4:26:18 PM >
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 4:46:42 PM
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Auben
Posts: 1155
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From: Where pines tower and cranberries float
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A 2 bedroom apartment has plenty of room to separate yourself...or is that not the point? Perhaps something else is bothering you.
Perhaps it would be better to go back and define what you want from this thread.
someone to listen?
people to support you and sympathize?
ideas on how to change your schedule?
ideas on how to find more time for yourself?
ideas on how to change your relationship with your husband?
someone to help you figure your husband's request out?
Perhaps we're all reading what you want differently.
_____________________________
Tamara
~Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time~
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 4:58:19 PM
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Zhi
Posts: 759
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Mostly I want to know
1. Why is he upset about me staying up late working, when he was fine with (and in fact requested) me going to bed in an entirely separate room when the baby was waking up every 3 hours?
2. How do I convince him that I really do need to stay up to get my work done and that it's not intended to be an affront to him, or if that's impossible, convince him to help out a little more to make it possible for me to go to bed if he's that convinced that I need to go to bed when he does?
3. How can I get a little bit of appreciation instead of disdain for working my tail off? Or at least not let his disdain bother me so much.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 5:15:52 PM
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Anon101
Posts: 200
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I have immense respect any woman who does it all -- take care of children, house, and add income to the support the family. I can't do it all. I've prayed about it out of feeling guilty and less of a woman because I let dishes sit because I'm too tired to do them. My little guy just started walking and I can't leave the room for a second without him getting into everything, so in the playpen he goes. Then the crying begins and the "I'm a bad mom guilt" because he is spending too much time in the playpen while I try to get things done. It is like a house of cards, if one thing gets out of place the whole thing comes tumbling down. Your husband HAS to help you. Nobody can do it all. Take care of rooms your children are in (vacuum, pick up after them, do the laundry when they nap) and as for the dishes and other stuff, let it go. He'll get sick of it when he has to wash a dish just to have something to eat off of. I know this sounds radical, but you are enabling him to continue his 'I don't have to if I don't want to' attitude. He has to have dishes to eat off of, so make his wash the dish he is going to eat off of. I'd just clean the kid's dishes and pans to cook for us and as for your husband, let him fend for himself. Cook for you and the kids. This isn't a long term solution, it is just doing enough to light a fire under his rear to learn to take care of himself because if you burn out and get really sick, he is GOING TO HAVE TO pick up the slack. He will go into panic mode if he's never had to do anything for himself. Tough love does work. It doesn't mean you don't love them, but enabling is not really the best for a person either.
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 5:33:39 PM
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Anon101
Posts: 200
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Zhi
Mostly I want to know
1. Why is he upset about me staying up late working, when he was fine with (and in fact requested) me going to bed in an entirely separate room when the baby was waking up every 3 hours?
Selfishness
2. How do I convince him that I really do need to stay up to get my work done and that it's not intended to be an affront to him, or if that's impossible, convince him to help out a little more to make it possible for me to go to bed if he's that convinced that I need to go to bed when he does?
You will not be able to convince him with words. Actions speak louder than words. You are more concerned with the house being dirty than he is. When the dirty house starts to affect him directly -- he will start to care.
3. How can I get a little bit of appreciation instead of disdain for working my tail off? Or at least not let his disdain bother me so much.
He doesn't appreciate it because he doesn't understand it or why it is so important. You only appreciate something if you can relate to it. Right now he can't. One he walks in a week or even a day in your shoes, he'll appreciate it. Ask any man or woman who has had their spouse leave for an extended time. That old saying is true -- absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Do you trust your hubby with the kids alone? Take a weekend off. Go some place. Let him take care of the kids and see how frustrated he'll get after just one day. Running after a toddler and a crawler is enough to drive the average person insane if they are not used to it.
Your kids will not be harmed if they pick up something off the floor and eat it. I know the thought is just horrifying but I know my grandparents had a farm and several kids. They always said a pound of dirt is good for their immune system. LOL. I don't believe in that theory, but my dad and his siblings are fine so the pound of dirt or the goat, cow, pig hide/dirt per se didn't seem to hurt them -- at least physically. :)
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 6:07:29 PM
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Zhi
Posts: 759
Joined: 7/31/2007
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You shouldn't. With a few exception we do it because our husbands are lazy and we can't do anything about it. And, you should see the place when we're not expecting company.
Sigh.
I did try the "let the house completely go and see if he ever helps" years ago, when I had a job and he spent his days at home playing games on the computer and watching television.
I gave in when the paper plates and other assorted trash on the floor in the living room reached a depth of three inches.
Yeah, I know, I'm a wuss. At least these days he has a job.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/4/2009 6:20:47 PM
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Anon101
Posts: 200
Joined: 10/21/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Zhi
You shouldn't. With a few exception we do it because our husbands are lazy and we can't do anything about it. And, you should see the place when we're not expecting company.
Sigh.
I did try the "let the house completely go and see if he ever helps" years ago, when I had a job and he spent his days at home playing games on the computer and watching television.
I gave in when the paper plates and other assorted trash on the floor in the living room reached a depth of three inches.
Yeah, I know, I'm a wuss. At least these days he has a job.
This seriously sounds like a power play. He knew you'd do it. Control. In the end it is about control. You're not a wuss. Don't beat yourself up.
He needs to grow up and deal with you not coming to bed with him. At least someone cares about the steering the boat in the right direction instead of just sitting by enjoying the ride. I hate to clean but my goodness, your house is not a frat house.
Keep praying. I don't believe in karma, but I do know that God gives us promptings and then when we don't listen, sometimes he lovingly whomps us in the head. God doesn't like sluggards. The bible says that men should love their wives like Christ loved the church. That means your husband should be not only willing to help around the house but die for you. I think he (if God gave him a choice) would choose the former.
Paper plates and trash on the floor, ewwww, nasty! As they say...Don't EEEVEN get me started... 
Edited to say sorry if I'm coming across as brash, I too have had it with my own spouse and so I a bit in the flesh today. I need to stifle and sit down with God tonight. 
< Message edited by Lorilynn777 -- 11/4/2009 6:44:24 PM >
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/5/2009 7:48:26 AM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 7828
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From: Lone Star State
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quote:
ORIGINAL: AslansChild
quote:
Sorry to be blunt, but that's just how I see it.
As a man who has been married to a wonderful wife for 20 years I think Ben is SPOT OFF.
I'm sorry you mis-interpreted what I was trying to say.
He SHOULD be helping with the housework. He SHOULD be helping with the kids. He SHOULD be partnering with his wife more. That he isn't NEEDS to be addressed by the two of them, but since it doesn't appear to be, then the bluntness came in in what I had to say to Zhi.
_____________________________
In 20 years from now, you’ll be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Explore. Dream. Discover
Mark Twain
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/5/2009 9:25:10 AM
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Peregrin1972
Posts: 9
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First of all--lots and lots of (((hugs))) and empathy to you. My fourteen-year marriage is at the point of divorce because we didn't deal with things like we should have.
Second--I highly recommend the following:
1. Lots and lots of prayer. Every hour of every day.
2. A good counselor. You need to talk to someone about these issues. Don't let it go, but find a counselor to help you as soon as possible.
3. The book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. It'll help you learn to set appropriate boundaries for yourself in relation to your husband. I wish I'd had this book years ago.
I'm praying for you.
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/6/2009 9:42:26 AM
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mosess8
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He misses you. He goes on "month long assignments" and his last concern when he gets home is how messy or tidy the house is.
The dynamics of your relationship are already strained by his frequent departures, why strain it more by not being intimate when he comes home?
It may be that you two are simply not used to one another because of his work interruptions. You should be creative in communication while he is away. Try to keep the relationship interesting. It cannot all be about money and success. It has to be primarily about love.
Love sacrifices. So sacrifice a messy house and go to bed with your spouse.
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/6/2009 10:00:29 AM
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Ramona_in_CO
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I have a different perspective from what I believe everyone here has said. And this comes from a belief that under Christ, my husband is the head of our household. As such, when we have a disagreement that cannot be resolved, unless there is sin involved (which hasn't happened) I submit to my husband.
Having said that, this is what has worked for me with my husband when I've felt overwhelmed by all the demands I feel on my time.
I make a list, on paper, of all the things that *I* think I need to do (work, cleaning, grocery shopping, whatever). Then I added in the things that we do together (church, small group, etc). Then I calmly take it to my husband, and explain that I'm having a problem holding it all together. I ask him to look at my list and help me prioritize.
Amazingly enough, he usually has a few different ideas about prioritization, and we're able to work it out. Either he picks up some of the slack (if appropriate) or helps me to understand that action X that I thought was *so* important really isn't.
I am by no means an expert on marriage, but this system has worked well for us for 10 years.
_____________________________
Ramona in CO
~ I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder only in alphabetical order like it should be. Spike Donner ~
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/6/2009 10:23:21 AM
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laura...
Posts: 3303
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From: NE Ohio
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mosess8
He misses you. He goes on "month long assignments" and his last concern when he gets home is how messy or tidy the house is.
The dynamics of your relationship are already strained by his frequent departures, why strain it more by not being intimate when he comes home?
It may be that you two are simply not used to one another because of his work interruptions. You should be creative in communication while he is away. Try to keep the relationship interesting. It cannot all be about money and success. It has to be primarily about love.
Love sacrifices. So sacrifice a messy house and go to bed with your spouse.
She's not staying up late to clean. She's staying up late to earn a paycheck.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/6/2009 10:31:20 AM
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mosess8
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Can you see the relevant point of the husband being out of the picture for a month at a time? That is too signifigant to ignore and certainly a good deal of the problem. Kind of obvious.
I dare to believe that the husband misses his wife because nothing she has said leads me to any other conclusion. There are plenty of women who would yearn to be in her shoes where the husband wants to sleep with them and be intimate.
What does it profit her to gain a whole paycheck and lose the interest of her soulmate?
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/6/2009 10:41:51 AM
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Zhi
Posts: 759
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The getting on my case about working late started prior to the being away for a month at a time thing. While it probably doesn't help, it's not causal.
And like I said, it's not about intimacy, if he wants to be intimate I oblige and then get up and go work at what I hope is an appropriate interval afterward.
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/6/2009 3:38:49 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 2154
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I think that you are mixing up what people are saying about "being intimate" (as in code word for sexual activities) and "being intimate" (as in sharing a life and a depth of soul together on an unassailable level). You may be 'obliging' his physical desires... but that does not mean you are intimate.
... Whatever interval you are choosing, if it results in his hurt, it's not an appropriate interval. If anything hurts him, that hurt needs to matter to you, not inconvenience you. I don't know how this living-alone-together situation developed, but I hope from my depths that you manage to find your way to a more fulfilling and intimate relationship for both of you.
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Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/6/2009 4:15:40 PM
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myka
Posts: 833
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quote:
2. How do I convince him that I really do need to stay up to get my work done and that it's not intended to be an affront to him, or if that's impossible, convince him to help out a little more to make it possible for me to go to bed if he's that convinced that I need to go to bed when he does?
Just a thought here. Since he is complaining that you aren't going to bed when he does, could you explain that in order for you to come to bed with him, you need for him to do x, y, and z (household chores that would free you up to be able to complete your work assignments during the day rather than after he goes to bed).
I've found that the straight forward approach is best in my own marriage.
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/6/2009 10:12:29 PM
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Zhi
Posts: 759
Joined: 7/31/2007
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To those of you who say I must go to bed when he does... When am I supposed to get my work done? Sometimes he arbitrarily decides to go to bed at 8. I haven't even finished the bedtime routine with the children at that point.
< Message edited by Zhi -- 11/6/2009 10:19:24 PM >
_____________________________
The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/6/2009 10:39:23 PM
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SurpassingPeace
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Have you asked him what he would like you to give up? I mean in a loving, open way that isn't full of exasperation. Don't get me wrong, I would be tempted to be a bit exasperated in your shoes. He has a problem with you working while he is in bed. It is disturbing your intimancy, not sexual activties, but closeness. You feel you have priorities that need to be taken care of. How would he like you to handle it? It could give him more ownership of the situation that could result in more help, more understanding, or even a better solution.
_____________________________
Karen
Proud Member of the Imperfect Wives' Club
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/6/2009 10:41:46 PM
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ta_mosquito
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I don't suppose it would be possible (or acceptable to your husband) to go to bed with him, snuggle until he falls asleep, then go do your work?
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RE: How do I deal with this? - 11/8/2009 4:05:05 PM
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TXRedhead
Posts: 173
Joined: 4/28/2009
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I would recommend getting a counselor to help you and your husband resolved communication issues because that, to me, is the glaring problem here above all else. You both seem to have expectations of the other and neither seems to understand why you each feel the way you do; thus, nothing changes and the cycle just keeps on spinning.
In addition to finding a counselor, I would look at finding a solution to childcare so that you can do your job during the day. That, or I would simply throw in the towel on this particular job and see if I couldn't find a full-time job and put the kids into a daycare [either someone's home or a facility]. Many churches offer Mom's Day Out programs that might be of use in this instance. If you have a church, see if anyone there might be interested in coming to your house for 'x' amount of time in the mornings so that you can get your work done in peace. Then, put both kids down in the afternoon for a couple of hours to nap or play quietly in their cribs while you get whatever work done you still need to do.
Basically, I agree with others who've said that you should make up a list of things that have to get done, sit down with your husband, and tell him that--- if he wants you to sleep next to him at night--- he needs to figure out what he's willing to pick up on his list of chores to make that happen.
But, seriously, get a counselor. The two of you really have some things that need to be resolved before they blow up in a huge way.
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