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Issue with a woman from church - 10/14/2009 5:30:06 PM
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pink..
Posts: 11158
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quote:
ORIGINAL: solo_soprano23
Various reasons. My car isn't reliable; I frequently break down and I'd rather it just be me instead of people who depend on me to get where they want/need to be. I'm supposed to be taking my dad's car next week though (something I can't do often). I'm sick and I go out of town to get treatment, so I have chunks of weeks where I'm not able to be at church or be someone's ride. I also have choir, and I'm going to start having to be at church earlier, but she's set on only being there at the start of sunday school (I'll have to get there before). She insists that I go with her when she wants to smoke before church starts, then when the previous service lets out and we have to go in to worship, she makes us late and we can't find a seat. She also insists on smoking in my car.  Also there are times when I want to go, but have pain and decide at the last minute that I can't make it.
I think I will see how next week goes; I might just have to tell her point blank that it's something I can't keep up.
She needs to go when you go. I think that it's rude to even ask to smoke in a non-smoker's car or home.
_____________________________
Gratitude is a vaccine, an antitoxin and an antiseptic.
~ John Henry Jowett
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/14/2009 9:24:17 PM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 1564
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Thank you solo_soprano23 for the additional information.
To me, from only the original post, it made no sense why I would not drive her to church. It maybe be inconvenient, but I do it now for someone on Wednesdays.
With the additional details, it is much clearer this isn't just you not wanting to serve this way.
And, I agree, I would not allow anyone to smoke in my vehicle, or allow someone to rely on me, when I know I have previous obligations elsewhere.
< Message edited by jhuperetes -- 10/14/2009 9:31:01 PM >
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/14/2009 11:13:33 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2448
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: solo_soprano23
-She made this gigantic fuss
-telling me she didn't want to sit on the left side...
-then she said she wanted to go upstairs, then when we got upstairs she said she wanted to be "down there."
-She said she didn't want to sit there
-even after that she said she didn't want to sit there-
- she wanted to sit closer to the front.
This woman is driving you (and likely has others) crazy over nothing. Even strong boundries are likely to be bulldozed... for nothing. People are going to have to set their boundries in concrete for every minor detail, so don't let anyone say, "Oh, you aren't nice." No, she's not nice, and she's manipulating like mad.
quote:
I don't think I can deal with that on a consistent basis. It seems like she's "insistent" about everything-- and I really mean everything. By the time the smoking in the car thing came up... after having dealth w/her for 4 hours, I didn't even want to deal with it.
This is just nuts. She's in no position to insist, it's rude to insist, and to do so to such an extreme puts everyone else in a extremely inconvenient spot, at the very least. Why should others have to stand on their heads and twirl flaming batons because she insists on it?
It would be good if the kind folks at your church could meet with a mental health professional and come up with a plan for dealing with this gal. She doesn't look to want help but dominion. If that's the only reason she's coming (a whole building full of nice people to take advantage of, and forget this Jesus stuff) then it would be reasonable to not go get her or do anything for her.
Ministry helps people; becoming their slave so they get unbiblical desires fulfilled doesn't help anyone but is destructive. You have to budget your time and energy just like money, and if she's just playing you instead of wanting God and godly fellowship then why would you spend time there?
And if she's smoking but can't pay her rent... well... she's caught in a major wolftrap. Does she want help out or does she want someone to keep her in her lifestyle?
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/14/2009 11:22:38 PM
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creationtalk
Posts: 425
Joined: 6/9/2005
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Solo,
When I first read your post, my initial gut feeling was that the woman with whom you are dealing was a lot like the one that I met at my church...and what you've posted since only confirms it.
Be VERY careful. The woman from my former church (former partly because she started attending again) threatened my child and sued me as thanks for all that I did for her--risking my job to drive her all over creation because she had no car, loaning her money, making gifts for her to give to family with a new baby (she was supposed to pay for the stuff but never did), buying groceries, giving her a job--when I finally cut off all contact.
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/15/2009 1:07:32 PM
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Ps103
Posts: 12574
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From: Here, now
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I do think the kindest thing that can be done for this woman is not toting her around and giving in to her demands, but getting her to some kind of help--either mental or social--can't tell which. (Sounds like a mental problem to me, but it could just be lack of any sort of social skills from being incarcerated for a lengthy period.)
I would talk to the woman that usually drives her--sounds like she has access to the resources.
Elsewise this woman is going to cut a swath through all the people in the church and then move on to the next once she drives everyone away. That isn't helping her, even though it may seem like it to her.
_____________________________
Fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy night.
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/21/2009 3:56:55 PM
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edlove50
Posts: 23
Joined: 1/23/2006
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Solo, go ahead and give her the ride the first time. But stand your ground the next time. This gal sounds like someone who could be a user and you don't want that in your life. You sound like someone who is kind and compassionate toward others and you don't want to be taken advantage of. It's all up to you.
< Message edited by edlove50 -- 10/21/2009 4:07:28 PM >
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/22/2009 2:19:57 PM
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Katie51
Posts: 196
Joined: 1/8/2009
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quote:
ORIGINAL: herestoresmysoul
I think it is brilliant that this women is coming to chuch and trying to live Gods way.She needs every encouragment and help.but if you feel that you cant be the one to give it them that isnt your fault. Thats just you being honest.
Some of the comments here were very unfair I thought. I was a single mum for 6 years after my sudden marriage break up and I could barely afford to live, let alone run a car, and on top of that some people teach that we HAVE to tithe no matter how in debt we are and that is worng. She should not feel that she has to give her rent money to anyone.She probably doesnt need a book on finances, she is probably just like I was and hasnt actually got much to live on despite working and being really careful.
If she is older and disabled the church needs to be helping and supporting her.
From what you said it sounds as if this other lady who normally gives her a lift cant do it for one week.( I dont think she has said that she wont do it again.has she??)However if the other lady is telling this lady that she has to go out of her way to collect her than that is cruel and mean. (How to make a person to feel unwanted lol)
Maybe just mention that you are happy to give her a lift for this week and that the next week the other lady will be able to do it again.This isnt for you to deal with if you feel that you cant. In the UK we are always giving each other lifts all the time, and no one thinks anything of it.One or two cant drive and some families have one car and if the husband has the car then they are stuck.
If this other lady for whatever reason, decides that she cant do this anymore (and she hasnt said that at all) then maybe a rota would be a good idea or the church could ask if anyone else is prepared to do it. I think the new lady has been judged here very unfairly and harshly and she is doing all she can to live the right way after being saved in prison. She needs help and encouragment.
I agree with you on the tithe issue. If you owe someone money then it really isnt yours to tithe until you pay them, in my opinion. I dont believe the NT teaches tithing. Some will disagree and thats ok. I had this experience at my church. I offered a ride to a woman. she is very poor and didnt have a car. she tried very hard. had emotional problems and drove everyone nuts who tried to help her. I finally just ended up saying "sorry, no i cant" to some of her requests. She would want a ride then "stop by wal mart to cash a check" and end up shopping for a looong time. I just had to say no. It was hard to do
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/22/2009 9:39:55 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 2448
Joined: 9/26/2007
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quote:
ORIGINAL: heremainsfaithful
My husband used to be in the ministry, and people like this can be challenging. There is the responsibility that you feel to help anyone, especially a new Christian. Then there is the reality that they can become a black hole that nothing can fill. I don't mean to sound harsh, but that is the only way to say it succinctly.
This is something the church leadership needs to know about. With all that you have going on in your own life and as young as it looks like you are, this is too much. And don't you dare feel guilty about it 
I unintentionally put myself in some very serious danger in college trying to help someone who was down and out. In this day and age, you have to be careful. That isn't unservantly; it's just a fact.
Thank you for your experienced take on this, Heremainsfaithful - I was hoping someone who'd been through this kind of thing would speak up.
Jesus said we were to be as wary as serpents, and Christians can be easy targets as well as ministers.
_____________________________
People died to give you the Bible in your language.
Read it. Eat it. Dwell in it. Rightly divide it. Live it.
Laugh, dance, praise your God, and go read some more. And God bless you.
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/23/2009 12:56:30 PM
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laura...
Posts: 3305
Joined: 3/1/2005
From: NE Ohio
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quote:
We eventually went inside when church got started, and even then the woman kept insisting on stuff. I finally got sick of it and did my own thing. The only reason why she was trying to keep up with me is cause she didn't know where to meet up after the service was over (doesn't know what my car looks like, etc). She made this gigantic fuss over where we sat, telling me she didn't want to sit on the left side... then she said she wanted to go upstairs, then when we got upstairs she said she wanted to be "down there." I told her we'd just left down there. I couldn't find anywhere in the balcony, so we had to go back down, and I went down the middle aisle. She said she didn't want to sit there (I had stopped caring where she wanted to sit lol), but I couldn't find seats anyway. We went on the right side. I found somewhere about five rows from the front and went in, then even after that she said she didn't want to sit there-- she wanted to sit closer to the front. I said nothing. Lol. It's hard enough finding a place anywhere in there to sit; you can't be picky about it.
All of that was her gauging just how much she can push you around and control you. If you are not able, for whatever reason, to set very, very, very strong boundaries she will soon be trying to control every waking moment of your life. She is coming from a prison mentality where being in absolute control of as many people as possible is a matter of life and death. She needs a more regimented means of transportation that she cannot in any way, shape or form control. One that is managed by someone who is clearly in authority. A church bus ministry would be better. If public transportation were an option that would be best.
_____________________________
This is what the Lord says: “Stop at the crossroads and look around. Ask for the old, godly way, and walk in it. Travel its path, and you will find rest for your souls. But you reply, ‘No, that’s not the road we want!’ Jer 6:16
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/24/2009 10:25:09 AM
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manda59
Posts: 8745
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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So, solo, how are things working out?
_____________________________
"Manda stole my answer" - bolt. March 2010
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/29/2009 5:06:26 PM
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solo_soprano24
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Joined: 4/27/2005
From: I'm a Southern girl
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She wasn't there this past Sunday, but she told me she's scheduled to be baptized this coming Sunday so we'll see. A lot of people start coming to church then kind of stop, so I'm wondering if she'll be back.
_____________________________
For God, For Learning, Forever.
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/30/2009 5:07:16 PM
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solo_soprano24
Posts: 2336
Joined: 4/27/2005
From: I'm a Southern girl
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help me....
I spoke too soon. 
She wasn't there last week, but the woman who bings her was. She'd told me she was scheduled to be baptized this Sunday, and she just called me a few minutes ago. She asked if I was going to church Sunday; I told her I didn't know b/c I'm feeling tired lately (which is true). I asked what happened to that other woman-- she said the other woman has to get there at 8am. I was thinking... so? I told her that *if* I go, I'll have to go at 8am as well. Then she was like, "Well, I can go then too." Now, I've thought up something else to tell her to get her out of my hair... I can't tell her I'm not going, b/c she will see me in Sunday school. I'm going to tell her I'm going w/my sis and her family and we don't have room. I'm not sure if sis is going this week, but if she does, it's not a lie. We don't have room.  Anyway, if she's all good getting up early then she can just ask her usual ride to come get her. It won't kill her to do it for a week.
_____________________________
For God, For Learning, Forever.
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/30/2009 8:47:27 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8745
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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solo,
You really do need to talk to your pastor about this, or it will keep coming up.
_____________________________
"Manda stole my answer" - bolt. March 2010
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/30/2009 9:55:02 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 2154
Joined: 4/29/2005
From: Canada
Status: online
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Solo, there is no need to excuse yourself, especially if it involves being almost-dishonest. Most people can see through hedging anyways (even when it's mostly-truthful).
What you need to say is, "I'm not a dependable person, and I can't be your ride. Not this week, and not any week. There's no point in asking me. The reason is that I often decide at the last minute, and I don't need the added stress on that decision. I'm sorry I can't be more useful."
After that, you should not talk to her about rides, or to anyone who usually gives her rides about that. Just say no and let it go. I guarantee you there will be less hurt overall with this tactic than with an ongoing hot-potato game over this woman's transportation and convenience.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 10/30/2009 10:17:53 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8745
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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Well, now that you know her number, either don't answer the phone or say plainly "sorry, I can't help you". And talk to the group leader (as a MUST, not a might!)
Thing is, even if you say no one week, she will likely ask again the next week. So you really do need to say something to the group leader.
_____________________________
"Manda stole my answer" - bolt. March 2010
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RE: Issue with a woman from church - 11/18/2009 4:07:59 PM
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edlove50
Posts: 23
Joined: 1/23/2006
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solo_soprano23, how is it going with your situation? Last post was 1 Nov and none since - just curious.
< Message edited by edlove50 -- 11/19/2009 2:00:14 PM >
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