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BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/6/2009 8:49:37 PM
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thethinker
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I have a daughter of 8 1/2 who has not seen her father since she was 16 months old. It has not been an easy time ( as you can imagine!) raising her on my own, even though she's very well-behaved, as I have no-one to share the parental responsibility with.
I had a tumultuous relationship with her Father. He was an alcoholic & I goaded him on a number of occasions 2 be more manly & kept telling him I loved him/didn't love him. Sadly this turned into domestic violence, with the Police & law becoming involved. I had been working 70+ hour weeks & he'd accused me of infidelity (which was not the case) although I admitted to him quite often that I was not happy with him & wanted my own space. He had been very jealous & possessive of me. I blame the whole business on myself as I was from the better family background (2 parent, more monied,etc) & had the education he had not had. I was the one who initiated the relationship (to my better judgement, but at 27 ignored the doubts about him, as I thought I'd never meet anyone & be a Mother with my picky attitude!).
He was actually very loving & patient with me & my daughter & I felt that I brought out the worst in him by my moody & critical behaviour. He had something sweet & childlike in his spirit that made him special to me. My father had treated my Mother badly (affairs,etc), but I still put him on a pedestal, both loving & hating him. I find these mixed feelings about men occur every time I come into contact with men & it affected my treatment of my daughter's father.
I think he might've been walking past our flat this past year or two & I feel guilty for not making myself known as he was so loving & patient towards my daughter. As we are both emotional people I am concerned though that the situation could turn unpleasant. I think he's still a lorry driver & as we live in a port I would not want him running off with her. He also knows some nasty people I would not want 2 get on the wrong side of & has been involved in some bad stuff in the past.
What do you think Christ/God would want me to do? I don't want 2 disobey him by keeping my daughter from her father, but I don't want to put mine or my daughter's safety at risk?
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/6/2009 8:53:20 PM
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manda59
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Were you married to her father? Does he have any visitation rights?
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"Manda stole my answer" - bolt. March 2010
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/6/2009 8:55:41 PM
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thethinker
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Thanx Manda for your speedy reply. No to both the above questions!
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/6/2009 9:06:05 PM
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manda59
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There is no way under the sun that you should make contact with him before you know what kind of man he is now, and how he is living. Otherwise you could be putting both your daughter and yourself in danger.
What makes you think he is still a lorry driver?
Do you attend a local church regularly?
_____________________________
"Manda stole my answer" - bolt. March 2010
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/6/2009 9:27:11 PM
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bolt.
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You have no obligation before God to initiate contact with him. You are not disobeying God by living your own life and minding your responsibilities.
Safety comes first. You seem to genuinely believe there is at least a slight risk of kidnapping. That means no contact. End of story.
If I've misunderstood that, then we can talk about the other factors... like the difference between responsibility and guilt.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/6/2009 10:15:24 PM
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thethinker
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Thanx Manda & bolt for your replies. My Dad's wife saw my daughter's father a few years ago in the town we live in & he said that he had gone back to lorry driving. There is a lorry park near where I live, and nearly every day for the past year or two he has walked by my window (if it's him, that is). I can't help feeling it's a weird coincidence if it is (like is God trying 2 tell me something?!!!). He showed me a heap-load of love & was very subservient to me (which of cause i didn't feel worthy of). He was an alcoholic & was brought up by his father, and brought up his younger brother which was why he was so great around our daughter. He was no ogre. He was VERY placid, except when he had a drink & I'd goaded him. He had unresolved issues which he wouldn't address.  My (over-developed) conscience has told me since we parted 2 let him see my daughter, as I know how important fathers are (even if they mess your head/heart up too-see my previous post!!!)
I try to go to church most Sundays & go 2 Bible Study in the week which I LOVE. Such fun, so interesting & a great bunch of people there! 
I support all my local churches & go to any Christian events that I can there is no greater purpose in life than the Christian faith, just that mankind has a LONG way 2 go & time is running out 4 everyone. I don't think God's patience with the evil & suffering in his world is infinite. Just look at the Tsunamis/Earthquakes in Sumatra.
I believe the Bible's message is far more radical than we'll admit...
Anyway, to finish, tell me what you mean, bolt, by the difference between responsibility & guilt...???!!!
< Message edited by thethinker -- 10/8/2009 6:10:41 PM >
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/6/2009 10:24:32 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: thethinker
My Dad's wife saw my daughter's father a few years ago in the town we live in & he said that he had gone back to lorry driving.
Was it really any of her business to have spoken to him? I think not. I do hope she did not tell him where you were living.
quote:
There is a lorry park near where I live, and nearly every day for the past year or two he has walked by my window (if it's him, that is). I can't help feeling it's a weird co-incidence if it is (like is God trying 2 tell me something?!!!).
Why should it be God trying to tell you something? You live in a port near a lorry park, it's hardly rocket science to work out that he might quite naturally walk past where you live on his way to work.
Are you absolutely sure though that your Dad's wife hasn't been meddling again since then?
quote:
He was VERY placcid, except when he had a drink & I'd goaded him. He had unresolved issues which he wouldn't address.
There is NEVER any excuse for violence. Even goaded people can choose to walk away.
quote:
My (over-developed) conscience has told me since we parted 2 let him see my daughter, as I know how important fathers are
Your daughter is just 8 years old - she needs to be protected and kept safe. You're the only one she can trust - for goodness sake don't put her in possible harm's way at least until she is old enough to stand up for herself, and discern for herself.
quote:
I try to go to church most Sundays & go 2 Bible Study in the week which I LOVE. Such fun, so interesting & a great bunch of people there!
Is it a strong Bible-believing church? It might be an idea to consider speaking to the pastor, or his wife, about your situation. I presume your daughter goes to church with you and gets involved with the children's work there?
_____________________________
"Manda stole my answer" - bolt. March 2010
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/6/2009 10:33:16 PM
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bolt.
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It's fine that you see that you had a contribution to the problems with your husband, and you are not proud of it. That's 'responsibility'.
BUT you did not make him drink. And you did not make him choose rage and violence. Those were his actions and he is solely responsible for them, even if you were making problems too. You are not responsible for his abusive or addictive choices. You keep talking about your past relationship with him as if finding the proper distribution of blame is a worthwhile thing to be doing. It's not. The relationship you had with him is not the slightest bit relevant, except so far as it informs your choices of the day. Why is your past so much a part of your thought life? Are you ashamed? Or is it simple regret? Or is it a kind of wishful thinking that you engage in? In any case it's time to clean out the corners of your head and close the door on this thing.
It's not a sign that he (or someone who looks like him) works near you. If God had a call for you, He is more than capable of being clear.
Has he made any effort to contact you regarding your mutual daughter? The ball is in his court, unless he has absolutely no avenue to contact you, such as old friends or mutual acquaintances. Does he pay child support? If not, your could start a process to find him for that purpose, which would also initiate an official (and safe) visitation set-up.
Do you have any reason to believe that he is no longer an alcoholic -- if not, you best assume he still is.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/6/2009 11:48:40 PM
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thethinker
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It is a mixture of shame, regret & wishful thinking. And I suffer the consequences of my actions on a daily basis (ie being a single parent). He was very loving and playful. I'm stricter & not so playful, esp, as I take on the responsibility of single-parenting without much light-relief. I hate denying her these things, but I can't be someone I'm not.
Why is her Father (if it is) walking past my door not a sign that God's saying, don't forget about this man?! What IS a clear call from God?!
He has no means of contacting me, as my Mother told him to leave us alone. He doesn't pay any maintenance as I was told this was not a good idea due to the domestic violence I suffered.
Through being a lorry driver he told me before that it forces him to stay off the drink, therefore I believe he doesn't drink on the days he works...
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/7/2009 7:33:43 AM
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manda59
Posts: 8745
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quote:
ORIGINAL: thethinker
Why is her Father (if it is) walking past my door not a sign that God's saying, don't forget about this man?! What IS a clear call from God?!
How about him turning up at your church, sober, saved and going on with God?
Btw, him not drinking on the days he works doesn't mean he's not still an alcoholic.
_____________________________
"Manda stole my answer" - bolt. March 2010
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/7/2009 7:42:32 AM
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W.O.F.
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I am going to put it this way.....IF it is him...his showing up on your doorstep practically with the past history is more a sign of stalking potentially than of God telling you anything.
I would spend a lot of time in prayer about this and get wise counsel from your pastor, etc as several others have mentioned.
To be honest...he does have ways of contacting you if he chose. Someone who wants to find someone, especially a child, can hire a private investigator.....and contact the child and other parent through that investigator.
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/7/2009 12:29:31 PM
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bolt.
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That's a fact. A man who is dying to see his daughter and build a healthy relationship does not take, "Her mom said no." as an answer. He takes action and does not give up. Your man has given up. He wants to be a single lorry driver who probably enjoys getting drunk on his days off, and doesn't mind a good fight. That's the life he has chosen... unless he contacts you and convinces you otherwise, you are just going to have to rest on that assumption.
No child wants to grow up with a father that occasionally becomes drunk or enraged, no matter how playful and fun he is the other 99% of the time. It's no gift to her to return that to her life. You need to think sensibly about the nature of rage and substance abuse, and take of your rose coloured fantasy glasses before they lead you to action that will hurt your family and the daughter that God has entrusted you with.
If it's him, he's probably walking past your door because you live in the same town or area of the city. You two gravitate to the same sorts of areas -- that's how you met in the first place, and not much has changed. If it's not him (and it's probably not) then you are really getting carried away, letting your wishful thinking drag you into your past on a daily basis. It's not healthy.
Now, you are a bit strict and don't make a lot of time for fun. Fair enough. You can get past that in some limited ways if you set your mind to it. Here are some ideas:
Get your daughter into a club or activity or something (something low cost) so that you have some time for yourself. Use that time for yourself, not to catch up on chores or whatever. You are not meant to be 'on duty' all the time. There are 168 hours in a week. It's not selfish to take 1 or 2 for rest or recreation.
At the end of that time, on your way to retrieve your daughter, put some thought into something fun to do with her within, say, 2 weeks. Go to the park and share a cotton candy -- 2 hours, 2 dollars (1 pound?). It's worth it. Make a definite plan, including a date and time, and tell her. Do this every 2 or 3 weeks, or at least once a month. (A month has 720 hours -- making a plan for 2 of them should not be trouble.)
Also, think about the idea of "Six Silly Minutes" -- just throw off the agenda for 6 minutes and make a face, sing a song into a hair brush, pretend to be a fairy or a pirate, use a sock as a puppet. You would interrupt your agenda for 6 minutes for a phone call, and it wouldn't really effect your day, so this should be workable.
I know you are like me in the strictness and order, but you can say, "Right now we are going to have six silly minutes, then we are going to get started on..." and you can put a stop to it when it's not welcome saying, "No, dear, these are not silly minutes. We need to focus on... with a proper attitude."
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/7/2009 1:31:29 PM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 2039
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: an ignoble beginning
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
That's a fact. A man who is dying to see his daughter and build a healthy relationship does not take, "Her mom said no." as an answer. He takes action and does not give up. Your man has given up. He wants to be a single lorry driver who probably enjoys getting drunk on his days off, and doesn't mind a good fight. That's the life he has chosen... unless he contacts you and convinces you otherwise, you are just going to have to rest on that assumption.
No child wants to grow up with a father that occasionally becomes drunk or enraged, no matter how playful and fun he is the other 99% of the time. It's no gift to her to return that to her life. You need to think sensibly about the nature of rage and substance abuse, and take of your rose coloured fantasy glasses before they lead you to action that will hurt your family and the daughter that God has entrusted you with.
If it's him, he's probably walking past your door because you live in the same town or area of the city. You two gravitate to the same sorts of areas -- that's how you met in the first place, and not much has changed. If it's not him (and it's probably not) then you are really getting carried away, letting your wishful thinking drag you into your past on a daily basis. It's not healthy.
Now, you are a bit strict and don't make a lot of time for fun. Fair enough. You can get past that in some limited ways if you set your mind to it. Here are some ideas:
Get your daughter into a club or activity or something (something low cost) so that you have some time for yourself. Use that time for yourself, not to catch up on chores or whatever. You are not meant to be 'on duty' all the time. There are 168 hours in a week. It's not selfish to take 1 or 2 for rest or recreation.
At the end of that time, on your way to retrieve your daughter, put some thought into something fun to do with her within, say, 2 weeks. Go to the park and share a cotton candy -- 2 hours, 2 dollars (1 pound?). It's worth it. Make a definite plan, including a date and time, and tell her. Do this every 2 or 3 weeks, or at least once a month. (A month has 720 hours -- making a plan for 2 of them should not be trouble.)
Also, think about the idea of "Six Silly Minutes" -- just throw off the agenda for 6 minutes and make a face, sing a song into a hair brush, pretend to be a fairy or a pirate, use a sock as a puppet. You would interrupt your agenda for 6 minutes for a phone call, and it wouldn't really effect your day, so this should be workable.
I know you are like me in the strictness and order, but you can say, "Right now we are going to have six silly minutes, then we are going to get started on..." and you can put a stop to it when it's not welcome saying, "No, dear, these are not silly minutes. We need to focus on... with a proper attitude."
AMEN
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/7/2009 8:43:22 PM
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CMT8808
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I agree with Bolt. I use my oven mitt as the puppet on our silly minutes.
I also agree you need separation times away from your daughter to give you time to refocus and set your eyes back on God.
My dad was an alcoholic and it was heart wrenching when he learned where we lived and he showed up drunk. My mother forbade us any contact with him and the hardest thing I had to do, is when he looked into the window of where we lived was pull the blinds down on his face.
You are not doing your daughter any favors, teach her to rely more on the Heavenly Father who will love her more than her own father ever will.
Peace
CMT
_____________________________
formerly Delete 123
Never Underestimate the Power of God
Romans 8:28, Proverb 3:5
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/8/2009 6:33:34 PM
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thethinker
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I know he loved her. He had ABUNDANT patience. He fell asleep with her in his arms. He held her little finger all night long through the cot & lay on the hard, thin carpeted nursery floor next to her with no covering over him. He looked after her up to 16 hours a day, 6 days a week with no family/group support whilst I still breast fed her between working. He wrote poems about how much he loved us. He walked 'til he had blisters on his feet & varicose veins to send her to sleep. He sung songs to her over & over again to soothe her 'til she stopped crying. I don't question the love & devotion he had for us.
My Mum & Dad both told him to stay away when we'd seperated. I think there was a court order against him. If it's the man walking past my flat, he's wearing a wedding/engagement ring, and if my internet searches are correct he has more than one child & is living it up with a materially- superior life to me!!! 
I think researchers say alcoholism might be a disease/an inherited gene. They are treated like outcasts, which is a shame when some are so kind & loving. There have been some very talented people who have been alcoholics. Just thought I'd say that, 'cause so many people write them off totally & treat them with contempt, when I don't think some of them deserve it.
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/8/2009 8:13:46 PM
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peculiar_lady2
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quote:
I think researchers say alcoholism might be a disease/an inherited gene. They are treated like outcasts, which is a shame when some are so kind & loving. There have been some very talented people who have been alcoholics. Just thought I'd say that, 'cause so many people write them off totally & treat them with contempt, when I don't think some of them deserve it.
That very well may be, but has he apologized? Has he realized his mistake with alcoholism? Has he realized his problems with rage? Has he changed? and most importantly, has he given his heart and life over to Christ? If he has not, then it is in your daughter's best interest to keep abusive people, even if it is her father, away from her.
As for your searches and possibility that he is well off...just remember what the Bible says. Don't store up treasures on earth where the elements get to it, instead look to storing up treasures in heaven. Your heavenly Father is meeting your every need...maybe not every want, but every NEED is met. Your daughter's too. You don't need more money or stuff to be happy...just look at those in the media limelight and see how unhappy yet wealthy they are.
< Message edited by peculiar_lady2 -- 10/8/2009 8:20:13 PM >
_____________________________
Proud to be...  
The LAW presses from the outside to conform. GRACE calls to the inside to change.
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/8/2009 8:22:40 PM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 2039
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: an ignoble beginning
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quote:
ORIGINAL: thethinker
I think researchers say alcoholism might be a disease/an inherited gene. They are treated like outcasts, which is a shame when some are so kind & loving. There have been some very talented people who have been alcoholics. Just thought I'd say that, 'cause so many people write them off totally & treat them with contempt, when I don't think some of them deserve it.
It can be a disease...but it is a disease that can and must be controlled by CHOICE....
that said...most people do not treat alcholics with contempt or write them off, but there does come a time when you have to distance yourself from their self-destruction and what it does to them and you..and you have to evaluate if you are helping them to be well...or making them worse.
I say this having both a father and a brother who are alcoholics. I never knew my father...he was abusive when he was drunk. My mother could say it was because she goaded him, but she goaded him when he was sober and he never laid a hand on her. It was the drinking. She finally had to leave him to keep me and my brother safe. He wasn't going to stop. He loved her, and my brother (he didn't really want me) but he loved the booze more.
You can love an alcoholic...but you can't make excuses for them. That traps them in their disability....because they can choose to be WELL....they can choose not to drink.
My brother has been sober for 18 years...but he couldn't do it until I told him that I could not let him be around my child when he'd been drinking....it took that for him to realize how much damage his drinking caused others.
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/8/2009 8:25:08 PM
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manda59
Posts: 8745
Joined: 9/22/2005
From: Hampshire, UK
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quote:
ORIGINAL: thethinker
If it's the man walking past my flat, he's wearing a wedding/engagement ring, and if my internet searches are correct he has more than one child & is living it up with a materially- superior life to me!!!
Is that what this is about - some feeling of entitlement?
And "internet searches"? You're stalking him?
It's as if you've already decided what you're going to do and are trying to justify it by trying to attribute it to God, when in fact it's your own idea and your own meddling that, if it happens, will bring this about.
quote:
I think researchers say alcoholism might be a disease/an inherited gene. They are treated like outcasts, which is a shame when some are so kind & loving. There have been some very talented people who have been alcoholics. Just thought I'd say that, 'cause so many people write them off totally & treat them with contempt, when I don't think some of them deserve it.
Whilst there may be some truth to there being a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, no-one forces anyone to drink alcohol to excess, nor does anyone force them not to get help if it does get out of control.
_____________________________
"Manda stole my answer" - bolt. March 2010
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/9/2009 10:05:40 AM
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bolt.
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From: Canada
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If you want to continue to be caught up in feeling sorry about the imaginary life you believe you shot in the foot... I guess you are just going to continue to live with one foot in regret and one foot in fantasy.
But it's hard enough to be a single parent with both feet in the real world, so I don't know why you would actively choose to find reasons to be unhappy.
Here's the real world:
If you believe that's he's a happily married guy who is faithful to his current family, then it is sinful of you to indulge in thoughts of wanting him for yourself.
If you believe he's not likely to attack or abuse you just by knowing your address, there is no reason that you should be living without child maintenance money from him. He fathered her.
If you believe he's not a threat to his daughter (would not drink around her or abuse her) then you should be open to him having visitation like any other child who's parents are not married.
So if you really believe what you've said, it's time to use the civic or legal processes that are available in your country (are you in the UK?) or state to make official contact, ask for maintenance, and arrange appropriate visitation.
If that's not a real-world plan that seems good to you, than whatever reason stops you from doing it should really be stopping you from your sweet reminiscing too.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/9/2009 6:47:39 PM
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W.O.F.
Posts: 2039
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From: an ignoble beginning
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bolt.
If you want to continue to be caught up in feeling sorry about the imaginary life you believe you shot in the foot... I guess you are just going to continue to live with one foot in regret and one foot in fantasy.
But it's hard enough to be a single parent with both feet in the real world, so I don't know why you would actively choose to find reasons to be unhappy.
Here's the real world:
If you believe that's he's a happily married guy who is faithful to his current family, then it is sinful of you to indulge in thoughts of wanting him for yourself.
If you believe he's not likely to attack or abuse you just by knowing your address, there is no reason that you should be living without child maintenance money from him. He fathered her.
If you believe he's not a threat to his daughter (would not drink around her or abuse her) then you should be open to him having visitation like any other child who's parents are not married.
So if you really believe what you've said, it's time to use the civic or legal processes that are available in your country (are you in the UK?) or state to make official contact, ask for maintenance, and arrange appropriate visitation.
If that's not a real-world plan that seems good to you, than whatever reason stops you from doing it should really be stopping you from your sweet reminiscing too.
AMen DITTO AMEN
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/10/2009 10:33:31 PM
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thethinker
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Peculiar lady, God HAS always met my every need. I've never lusted after material wealth, I actually feel very uncomfortable with it, especially excessive, as I know it doesn't bring happiness, and I think it's inappropriate when so many people are starving around the world. It just feels a bit unfair when we are stuck in a flat with thoughtless noisy neighbours, in a poorer area, when he appears to be living the highlife 
Manda, I am not stalking my daughter's father, it's just I feel guilty for her not being able to experience the overall good side of him, ie his playfulness & loving nature, and some of his talents which she has inherited. I was just trying to sus him out on the 'net to find out if he has changed (from a safe distance!). I don't wish to be with him, only for him & my daughter to have a happy, safe & loving relationship, without him taking her away from me.
I AM happy as I am Bolt, it would just be nice to share the responsibility of bringing up my child with her biological father. He might attack/abuse me if he knew where I lived, as he hasn't seen my daughter for so long, and he might begrudge the years he's missed seeing her grow-up, remember the way I treated him, or we might clash, as we're both emotional , sensitive people.
I don't think he'd drink around her or abuse her, but there again is it worth taking that risk? She's too precious 4 that. The beauty I see in her is that of her father. There are so many pros & cons to the situation. I just hope God won't judge me harshly by me sitting on the fence (or cowering behind it!!!).
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/10/2009 10:37:39 PM
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thethinker
Posts: 40
Joined: 10/6/2009
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PS Thanks for the generosity of the posters who've replied to my thread. I'm grateful for all the help, support & ideas you have given me!
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/12/2009 8:52:57 AM
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FunBetty
Posts: 4551
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Land o Cheesecake and Pizza
Status: online
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I've seen some good advice in here, but just wanted to add another voice reiterating this:
A parent's first priority is to do what is best for her child. And safety is above all other things. We are to protect our children like a mother hen. You do not know whether this man is sober, and you do not know whether this man has received any counseling for his abuse. Then why in the world would you entertain the idea of letting this man be around your child?
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/13/2009 4:46:15 PM
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thethinker
Posts: 40
Joined: 10/6/2009
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There is no greater Mother Hen than me, Fun Betty.  I rarely let my daughter out my sight & am extremely careful about what she does, who she sees as she's so precious. I also know how incredibly loving, devoted & patient her Father was when I was around.
I do not know that he's sober, but if he's holding a trucking job down, then I presume he is! I don't know about the counselling, but if he's re-married & had children, then he might have had some help to be able to have taken on those responsibilities in his life, or else he clearly has some control over his drinking.
He was fun-loving, thoughtful, caring, domesticated, put others needs before his own, generous, had the right values, unpretentious, modest & unspoilt, a family man, with a beautiful humble child-like spirit inside him. This is the special Father I am denying my daughter.
< Message edited by thethinker -- 10/13/2009 5:45:47 PM >
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RE: BIG Dilemma, can you give me your thoughts please...! - 10/13/2009 4:51:06 PM
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FunBetty
Posts: 4551
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Land o Cheesecake and Pizza
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: thethinker
There is no greater Mother Hen than me, Fun Betty. I rarely let my daughter out my sight & am extremely careful about what she does, who she sees as she's so precious. I also know how incredibly loving, devoted & patient he was when I was around.
I do not know that he's sober, but if he's holding a trucking job down, then I presume he is! I don't know about the counselling, but if he's re-married & had children, then he might have had some help to be able to have taken on those responsibilities in his life, or else he clearly has some control over his drinking.
He was fun-loving, thoughtful, caring, domesticated, put others needs before his own, generous, had the right values, unpretentious, modest & unspoilt, a family man, with a beautiful humble child-like spirit inside him. This is the special Father I am denying my daughter.
I understand those points, really, I do.
However, the fact remains that you do not know whether or not he is a changed man. He could be drinking even if he is holding a job down. I'm just saying hat you've got this great picture of the girl's father (and I'm not saying those good things aren't true). Unfortunately, her father has been other (not so good) things as well. Until you know the facts on his current state, you cannot assume anything else.
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