RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married peoples advice?
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/5/2009 5:41:40 PM
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Elena1030
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Depends on who it is, how well he/she knows me, what area of life the advice/counsel is about, and how sound the counsel is -- whether from a married or a single.
I value wise counsel from solid Christians, period.
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Prayer thread for singles who desire to marry someday
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/5/2009 7:28:30 PM
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OneOfHisJewels
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quote:
ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
quote:
If we hope to be married someday, then I think the advice of married people (especially Christian couples who have been married for some time) is invaluable. Not in the area of finding a mate, but rather being a mate. These are people who have walked the path, know what it takes, and know the pitfalls. Why wouldn't we take such advice? It has been well said that the first step to finding the right person is being the right person.
That's good!
I wonder, though, why some are not as inclined to accept advice from those who married young? It's been mentioned here.
Well, that goes back to depending on what the advice is about......if they're happily married and they're giving advice on how to have a good relationship, that's ok......
but like I said, I don't like someone who got to be stay at home wife and mother from day #1 giving me career advice (unless I ask). I always feel like they are rubbing it in that they got to be a stay at home wife/mom and I didn't. If they, for some reason, had to work, I don't mind as much (even though I think the ideal is for a mom to be home, but it doesn't always happen that way).
< Message edited by OneOfHisJewels -- 10/5/2009 7:35:47 PM >
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Wizard's rule #1 .People can be stupid and willfully deceived (that's from the book, not the show)..slightly edited for CW
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/5/2009 7:43:40 PM
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mutinywxgirl
Posts: 7596
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quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
Believe me, it takes a very intelligent and confident man to get and keep my attention. There have only been a few (and hopefully now, the last).
(I see a distinct need for more details here)
Nope! 
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Walls we couldn't move came crashing down.
We were free and made alive.
The day true love died. The day true love died.
Lisa is happy THE ROWDIES ARE BACK!
14 (go Tony!)
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/5/2009 9:11:41 PM
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Tinkerbell_
Posts: 8035
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quote:
ORIGINAL: truthrevealed
quote:
If we hope to be married someday, then I think the advice of married people (especially Christian couples who have been married for some time) is invaluable. Not in the area of finding a mate, but rather being a mate. These are people who have walked the path, know what it takes, and know the pitfalls. Why wouldn't we take such advice? It has been well said that the first step to finding the right person is being the right person.
That's good!
I wonder, though, why some are not as inclined to accept advice from those who married young? It's been mentioned here.
Because life is different if you marry at 18 as compared to 32. Hugely different. You pretty much grew up together and didn't have that seriously independent streak that those "more seasoned" of us do.
Fighting independence is going to be one of my toughest hurdles (as I'm finding out the hard way) and I don't see a 32 year old who's been married for 14 years understanding what I'm going through.
Not to mention bringing teenagers into the mix. It's a whole different ballgame.
Does that make sense?
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/5/2009 9:19:11 PM
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nwcs
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I love the advice of my married friends. They have my best interests in heart and many of them know me quite well. I've found myself challenged by their words and encouraged to become better in my relationships. I'm thankful for my married friends in the same way as I am my single friends.
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/5/2009 11:17:14 PM
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A-Tech
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From: Illinois
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quote:
ORIGINAL: actorguy282
sheesh tinks statement kinda sounds like something I got told in my former church.I was told that since I was 40 then and not married I should just give up looking and go into missions because it was obvious to him God didn't want me to find a wife or else he would have provided one for me, that's why I left the church for a long time I mean I have a hard enough time with my differing degrees of faith and faithlessness.I don't need to hear that as well.
I was told similar things at my last church, by a small group leader no less. The church I'm in now, the people there treat me with respect and don't make jokes or out of line comments about my singleness.
_____________________________
"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
--Corrie ten Boom
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/5/2009 11:23:51 PM
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womanoffire1
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quote:
That's good!
I wonder, though, why some are not as inclined to accept advice from those who married young? It's been mentioned here.
In my experience those that marry young generally do not have the sensitivity or empathy to precisely give a word to singles. THe ones that I have experienced think that older single adults are unmarried because they obviously did something wrong. They assume that because they received their spouse so easily and so quickly that it should work that way for everyone.
For instance, I had one married (who happened to have married at 22) tell me that an older single woman at the church wasn't married because she was too picky. Well, the choices that she named for this single woman were a man who had two ex-wives and abused both of them, and another who could not be faithful to church to save his life (literally). These are two major deal breaker for myself so I can only assume that this is why the older single woman did not go for it either.
I know this is a little off topic. But I think the notion that somehow a woman or man can change another human being by dating/marrying them is quite false and the reason for many divorces. Only God can truly change someone. So that means if she/he is an abuser, druggy, unfaithful etc., It may not be a good idea to give singles advice to attach themselves with that type of person. If I have to wait until i'm 70 to avoid this type of relationship; so be it.
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/6/2009 9:05:04 AM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: womanoffire1
I know this is a little off topic. But I think the notion that somehow a woman or man can change another human being by dating/marrying them is quite false and the reason for many divorces. Only God can truly change someone. So that means if she/he is an abuser, druggy, unfaithful etc., It may not be a good idea to give singles advice to attach themselves with that type of person.
This is exactly correct
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Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/6/2009 9:06:12 AM
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John_O
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
quote:
ORIGINAL: John_O
quote:
ORIGINAL: mutinywxgirl
Believe me, it takes a very intelligent and confident man to get and keep my attention. There have only been a few (and hopefully now, the last).
(I see a distinct need for more details here)
Nope!
Spoil sport. How are we supposed to live vicariously if you won't give any details?
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/6/2009 9:10:03 AM
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truthrevealed
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I think I get the "married young" thing now.
What's the most encouraging advice you've received from a married person?
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I'll tell the world....where--ever I go. That I, have found, a Savior....and He's sweet I know!!!
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/6/2009 6:51:44 PM
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willfs
Posts: 555
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I first thought that you were talking about married individuals advice on marriage or on getting married. In that case, I would probably listen very closely to what they say.
I guess it depends on the person and the advice given. If some married person mentioned that they don't understand why singles have such a craving for marriage/sex/companionship and they just need a little more self control I might think that they are probably partially correct but they weren't really understanding what we go through.
If someone gave me advice and it seemed to come from wisdom and experience, why not take it no matter who they are?
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If you're approaching Him not as the goal but as a road, not as the end but as a means, you're not really approaching Him at all. - C.S. Lewis
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/9/2009 12:55:49 PM
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Lea_3
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Whenever people try to say rude things to me I just say it as it is. I'm not rude, but if I have to turn the question back to them, just to give them a taste of their own medicine, I have no issues with doing so. For instance:
"Why aren't you dating? Don't you like boys?" I usually respond to that by saying "Are you jealous because I can be happy and single? I don't need to jump on every guy I come across, do you?"
I know I can kinda be touch-in-cheeky...but I make it known that it isn't any of their business for one. Secondly, if being married is such a happy thing, why are there so many divorces? Why are there so many unhappy married people? If marriage somehow supposed to solve some of my problems? Because it won't.
One of the things I notice about this issue is that there is a HUGE disparity when it comes to how this is addressed with men versus women. If you are a man and are single, people seem to generally leave you alone. If you are a woman are are single, everyone freaks out as if the world's going to end. AND if you are a single woman and are quite happy with your single status, everyone acts like you have a mental disorder. Funny how that works.
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/15/2009 10:07:29 PM
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johnny103068
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I've never had problems with this personally but what should i do if married couples do give me advice?
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/16/2009 6:14:52 PM
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A-Tech
Posts: 44
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Illinois
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Advice about what?
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"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
--Corrie ten Boom
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/16/2009 9:52:05 PM
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trinigirl722
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From: Dallas, TX
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quote:
ORIGINAL: johnny103068
I've never had problems with this personally but what should i do if married couples do give me advice?
If it's good advice, say "thank you!" If it's unwanted, think of a polite way to let them know you're not interested in their input.
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Save the earth! It's the only planet known to have chocolate.
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/19/2009 1:44:57 PM
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Onecontent
Posts: 32
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quote:
ORIGINAL: johnny103068
I've never had problems with this personally but what should i do if married couples do give me advice?
1)Ask the Lord for discernment as to whether the advice is applicable to you.
2)Consider if it is the right season for you to take the advice.
I have had married women telling me in my 20's that I had to dress better if I wanted to get a man. None of these women paid my rent or put groceries in my kitchen. What I found interesting was that some of their husbands were eyeing poorly dressed me. When my financial circumstances changed, I purchased a better quality of clothing that the married men in my ex-church did not like.
It still boggles my mind that I overheard a MARRIED man who had problems with his wife questioning as to why I was so covered up. There were no single men in that congregation to attract, so why go to church dressed for a man hunt? I dressed to make me happy.
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/26/2009 11:16:07 PM
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teacher1982
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If they haven't been in my shoes, I don't want to hear what they have to say. They have no clue what they are talking about. They have someone to go home with every night, someone to do things with, make plans with, go places with, talk with, and snuggle with. Therefore, unless they have been single and alone and lonely, they can no more give me advice, than I can instruct someone on how to fly an airplane or build a house or anything else that I have never done.
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/27/2009 12:34:30 PM
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A-Tech
Posts: 44
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From: Illinois
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quote:
ORIGINAL: teacher1982
If they haven't been in my shoes, I don't want to hear what they have to say. They have no clue what they are talking about. They have someone to go home with every night, someone to do things with, make plans with, go places with, talk with, and snuggle with. Therefore, unless they have been single and alone and lonely, they can no more give me advice, than I can instruct someone on how to fly an airplane or build a house or anything else that I have never done.
This.
_____________________________
"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God."
--Corrie ten Boom
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/27/2009 1:20:05 PM
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Bryanfromiowa
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quote:
I don't need advice I need introductions. AMEN!!!
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/27/2009 1:31:48 PM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 472
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I love good counsel, as long as I can see the fruit of the Spirit in their marriage.
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/27/2009 2:43:18 PM
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_Don_
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quote:
ORIGINAL: A-Tech
quote:
ORIGINAL: teacher1982
If they haven't been in my shoes, I don't want to hear what they have to say. They have no clue what they are talking about. They have someone to go home with every night, someone to do things with, make plans with, go places with, talk with, and snuggle with. Therefore, unless they have been single and alone and lonely, they can no more give me advice, than I can instruct someone on how to fly an airplane or build a house or anything else that I have never done.
This.
This.
I'm replying to these posts but have seen similar ones in this thread...I'm not sure of the whole if-you-haven't-been-through-exactly-what-I've-been-through-you-can't-empathise-with-me-or-give-me-any-advice (IYHBTWIBTYCEWMOGMAA)* perspective. One doesn't have to intimately experience something in the same way in order to be able to empathise with or give advice to someone who has experienced it that way. The whole counselling industry would be different or non-existent if that was the case.
I'm not married and I don't have kids but I have seen good and bad marriages and good and bad parenting and have learned a lot about what makes a marriage or family good or bad. One day, hopefully sooner rather than close to when I'm dead, I will use that knowledge to help make a fantastic marriage and family even better. Many married people have the same IYHBTWIBTYCEWMOGMAA (if-you-haven't-been-through-what-I've-been-through-you-can't-empathise-with-me-or-give-me-any-advice) perspective so I generally refrain from giving advice unless specifically asked but it doesn't mean I'm blind, deaf, and dumb and can't see what their problem might be and give constructive advice on how to make the situation better.
To suggest that a married person who, presumably, was once single themselves, could not give advice on one's situation unless he or she had also at some time in their singleness (hopefully the same age) been not only alone but also specifically lonely seems absurd (are there many people who, at some point, haven't felt alone and lonely and don't empathise with that feeling?). We would have to start prefacing new posts in the forums with something like, "Please only give advice on my situation if you've been me." Okay, that's absurd but, it makes the point I think.
Oh, to answer the original question...I think advice is advice whether it comes from a married person or not. I prefer advice that has been well thought out and tailored to my situation. I don't exclude advice from people who haven't been me. 
Unfortunately, a lot of the advice relating to singleness that I've gotten from married people recently has been along the lines of, "You should meet this girl and she's single too so you'd be a great match." 
*You'll have noticed that it is conveniently pronouncable--just not in English.
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Fry
I can't wait 'till I'm old enough to feel ways about stuff.
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/27/2009 3:22:54 PM
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Elena1030
Posts: 2104
Joined: 6/21/2006
From: Music City, USA
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quote:
ORIGINAL: _Don_
quote:
ORIGINAL: A-Tech
quote:
ORIGINAL: teacher1982
If they haven't been in my shoes, I don't want to hear what they have to say. They have no clue what they are talking about. They have someone to go home with every night, someone to do things with, make plans with, go places with, talk with, and snuggle with. Therefore, unless they have been single and alone and lonely, they can no more give me advice, than I can instruct someone on how to fly an airplane or build a house or anything else that I have never done.
This.
This.
I'm replying to these posts but have seen similar ones in this thread...I'm not sure of the whole if-you-haven't-been-through-exactly-what-I've-been-through-you-can't-empathise-with-me-or-give-me-any-advice (IYHBTWIBTYCEWMOGMAA)* perspective. One doesn't have to intimately experience something in the same way in order to be able to empathise with or give advice to someone who has experienced it that way. The whole counselling industry would be different or non-existent if that was the case.
I'm not married and I don't have kids but I have seen good and bad marriages and good and bad parenting and have learned a lot about what makes a marriage or family good or bad. One day, hopefully sooner rather than close to when I'm dead, I will use that knowledge to help make a fantastic marriage and family even better. Many married people have the same IYHBTWIBTYCEWMOGMAA (if-you-haven't-been-through-what-I've-been-through-you-can't-empathise-with-me-or-give-me-any-advice) perspective so I generally refrain from giving advice unless specifically asked but it doesn't mean I'm blind, deaf, and dumb and can't see what their problem might be and give constructive advice on how to make the situation better.
To suggest that a married person who, presumably, was once single themselves, could not give advice on one's situation unless he or she had also at some time in their singleness (hopefully the same age) been not only alone but also specifically lonely seems absurd (are there many people who, at some point, haven't felt alone and lonely and don't empathise with that feeling?). We would have to start prefacing new posts in the forums with something like, "Please only give advice on my situation if you've been me." Okay, that's absurd but, it makes the point I think.
Oh, to answer the original question...I think advice is advice whether it comes from a married person or not. I prefer advice that has been well thought out and tailored to my situation. I don't exclude advice from people who haven't been me.
Unfortunately, a lot of the advice relating to singleness that I've gotten from married people recently has been along the lines of, "You should meet this girl and she's single too so you'd be a great match."
*You'll have noticed that it is conveniently pronouncable--just not in English.
Hear, hear!! This post deserves stars. *applauds*
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Prayer thread for singles who desire to marry someday
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RE: Do you welcome or are you put off by married people... - 10/27/2009 3:41:03 PM
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jhuperetes
Posts: 472
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Hmmm... I think the situation with IYHBTWIBTYCEWMOGMAA is a rapier...
There is a certain foolishness I sometimes have where I presumptuously think I understand what is going on with someone's life.
I blurt out my oh-so-sensible-matter-of-fact solution (OSSMOFS to keep with the theme). Why couldn't they think of it?
Later, I find out that they could not for a very legit reason, or that they did, and it failed miserably, or they have seen very bad results really close to them... Serious egg on my face. I do like eggs, just not on my face.
I think advisers need to be sensitive to understand there are many many factors they are not aware of. If their advice is rejected find out why, and do not personalize it.
The advisees need to accept comments graciously, recognizing that there is no way advisers are privy to all the details. Rejecting an advice based on the adviser instead of the advice is foolish.
Ultimately, it is the advisees responsibility to provide sufficient amount of background to any situation to help the advisers to construct a sensible solution.
If the advice was off target, provide more details.
Caveat - there are some really crazy advice out there nevertheless.
< Message edited by jhuperetes -- 10/27/2009 3:47:41 PM >
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