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Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/14/2009 8:56:22 AM
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onecoolmom
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My daughter has been friends with a girl since 5th grade. Her mom and I are friendly, we talk when we drop off the girls for events but that's all. Now that the girls are in high school 9th grade they have grown apart. My dd is not into boys at all and the other is all about boys. DD has been very concerned about A for various reasons all year, one is her diet but yesterday DD told me that A sent a text photo to a boy of herself partially clothed. The boy is now basically abusing A in the relationship. Telling her that he will kill her if she breaks up with him, that he hates her then that he loves her, etc. She is crying at school but will not tell her mom. She told DD that she is embarrassed that she did this and now the whole 9th grade knows. What do smart girls do this?
My daughter said that she begged her not to tell anyone even me. But she said Mom our agreement is that I should tell you anything that is harmful to someone and I think that this is harmful to A. I told DD that she should tell A to get away from this boy fast and to tell her mom and dad. That they will be upset but they love her and will help her.
Do you think I should call them as well? I do not think she will tell them.
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/14/2009 11:54:34 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: coolfamily6
She is crying at school but will not tell her mom.
If this was me, I'd first call the head of year (if you have such a thing over there) at the school and share what I knew. I'd rather do this than talk directly to the parents because it could spoil the valuable bond between the girls. At my daughter's school, the head of year takes a strong pastoral role and would be ideally placed to find a reason to talk to the girl one on one and ask her what was wrong. THEN, if the girl did tell, the head of year could then tell her parents. As the girl has been crying at school, others may well have seen her and it would not be as traceable back to your dd.
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/14/2009 1:16:23 PM
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garsyt
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quote:
ORIGINAL: peculiar_lady2
I definitely think that if A doesn't talk to her parents within a short amount of time, or if it gets any worse I would definitely talk to her parents. It seems to really have gone beyond what she can handle and what is safe. I would however caution you to stick to the facts, not throwing anything extra in unless it is truly unsafe for her. I would personally leave out the diet stuff unless you know for sure she is causing herself to be sick because of it. I would definitely go to them about the pic and abuse though.
Not only should A be encouraged to go to her parents but often times teen girls NEED the support of their friends in going to their parents - just someone to be there for them to look to for encouragement. Perhaps your dd should be THAT person and you could also go along as well. It's also a way to keep everyone calm in a moment where a parent may want to explode.
Blessings,
Garsy
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/14/2009 1:48:32 PM
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GregandJenny
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quote:
'd first call the head of year (if you have such a thing over there) at the school and share what I knew. I'd rather do this than talk directly to the parents because it could spoil the valuable bond between the girls. At my daughter's school, the head of year takes a strong pastoral role and would be ideally placed to find a
Ok, what is a head of year?
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/14/2009 2:22:59 PM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: GregandJenny
Ok, what is a head of year?
Each year (grade) class has their own tutor (teacher responsible for their daily care); there are about 8 classes in each year, and there is a head of year in overall charge, who tends to be a senior member of staff with strong pastoral gifting. Some students go to their tutor with any concerns, but the head of year tends to have more time and is more likely to be the sort of person you could talk to. The school also has a head of pastoral care, so if the student doesn't want to go to the head of year, they can go to her.
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/15/2009 12:16:38 AM
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Mrs.Wifey
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At the highschool level there should be a guidance counselor, I would call him/her first. My highschool guidance counselor was a great mentor when I needed someone to talk to. Maybe your daughter could encourage her friend to seek her guidance counselor for advice?
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/15/2009 4:54:27 AM
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michele_erin
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The thought that I had when reading this is that if nobody told her parents, and something bad did happen, your daughter would feel responsible (even though its not her fault) and would carry guilt (even though its not her fault).
Is it possible to tell her parents but ask that it remain anonymous or something like that? I did that a while ago with one of my daughter's friend's parents. Just asked to remain anonymous, but wanted her to know what was going on.
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/15/2009 7:28:17 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: michele_erin
Is it possible to tell her parents but ask that it remain anonymous or something like that? I did that a while ago with one of my daughter's friend's parents. Just asked to remain anonymous, but wanted her to know what was going on.
I think in this case it would be blatantly obvious who had told them.
I'd still go for telling the guidance counsellor at the school. Both for this girl's sake and for the sake of any other girl he may treat like this in the future. If the school know, they can take action to protect the girl, support the parents, and also to discipline the boy.
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"Manda stole my answer" - bolt. March 2010
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/15/2009 10:04:07 AM
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manda59
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quote:
ORIGINAL: coolfamily6
Another parent called me yesterday to ask if I knew about this situation. Her daughter goes to a different high school and had heard about this. She knows the mom better but was worried that if she called the mom would feel like she was rubbing salt in the wound that A was having problems and her daughter isn't, she thinks A's mom would handle it better if I called. She says that I am less judgemental toward people. I am going to pray about this and tell DD to encourage A to talk to the guidance counselor this week that kids at other schools are hearing about this. She needs to seek help at this point from adults and her parents.
coolfamily6
How about *you* (and your dd?) talking to the guidance counsellor? Thing is, if you just leave it to your dd to encourage her friend to talk to them, you won't know if anything has been done.
Do you know the girl's father at all, and whether he would be at all likely to want to go round and thump this boy's lights out?
The fact that another parent now knows about this definitely strengthens the case IMO for you to get directly involved with the school, because it looks like it will be even less likely for anything you say to get traced back to your dd/you.
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"Manda stole my answer" - bolt. March 2010
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/15/2009 11:32:02 PM
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onecoolmom
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quote:
ORIGINAL: 3cappuccinosmom
quote:
She needs to seek help at this point from adults and her parents.
Yes she does. I hope somebody will get around to telling them!
My DH and I went out for coffee tonight and talked about this situation. There is a lot more to this than I have written here for privacy reasons. Capp, there are other issues within this family that DH is concerned about sharing this information with the parents for the A's sake. Not that the parents would harm her. The parents have been having marital problems over the past year that A feels are her fault because she is not a good daughter. This is just what the child tearfully told me, first hand on a trip that I chaperoned.
I am praying about talking to the mom, I will be in her town on Tuesday, we do not live in the same town. I think I may drop by their house because this is not news I'd want over the phone.
quote:
How about *you* (and your dd?) talking to the guidance counsellor? Thing is, if you just leave it to your dd to encourage her friend to talk to them, you won't know if anything has been done.
Even if I talk to the counselor and they take action in the U.S. they are not allowed to tell us the outcome of anything. DD is going to go to the counselor tomorrow.
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/17/2009 2:05:04 PM
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doinkdom
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If this girl is in an abusive situation, then all bets are off and whoever needs to be told, get's told. And everyone can get over their personal embarrassment about it especially if this girl is being abused.
If not...and it's truly an embarrassing, but not dangerous situation...I'd still talk to the mom, in private. Children are not their own parents and a parent should not back off cause they're overly concerned about the "messiness" of the situation. Sometimes, kids do stupid things that have consequences they should have to walk out. Doing this now could help to avoid a similar mistake in the future when there is no one to "bail them out."
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/17/2009 4:28:07 PM
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writerchick
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Let me preface this by saying that I do not have kids. However, there is another way to get this boy away from the girl.
The photo she sent him is considered child pornography. Depending on where you live, there are DAs going after kids for this kind of thing. It's called "Sexting."
You could call the police and report what the boy has on the phone. The investigation will more likely than not uncover the threats and abuse without your daughter looking like a snitch.
Just something else to think about.
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/21/2009 9:17:37 AM
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SurpassingPeace
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quote:
The photo she sent him is considered child pornography. Depending on where you live, there are DAs going after kids for this kind of thing. It's called "Sexting."
You could call the police and report what the boy has on the phone. The investigation will more likely than not uncover the threats and abuse without your daughter looking like a snitch.
Just something else to think about.
If she sent him the picture, then she would be the one guilty of child pornography distribution. If they did prosecute then she would be a sex offender. I don't think that would be helpful in the situation.
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/21/2009 10:47:19 AM
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BelleWeather
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I would speak to A about you and your daughter's concerns about the threat to her life, explaining that she needs to talk to her parents immediately. I would give her about 1-2 hours to figure out what to say, and escort A home to tell her parents.
The school must be notified that the boy has made threats against A's life. If the school does not contact the police, you will need to contact them.
Charging A with "Sexting" and the distribution of child pornography are the least of A's problems right now.
The boy has threatened A's life, and that is the most serious and immediate problem A has right now.
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RE: Would you call the parents (take two) - 11/21/2009 1:04:00 PM
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bolt.
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OK... most people think I'm crazy, the way I think that young adults should be adults-in-training... But I really think that, with your support, your daughter should share the information that she is privy to in a way that would be expected of her if she were truly a grown up.
It's hard, but better that she learn the skill now, with support, than when she is 25 and in a similar social pickle.
So, I (as a mom) would go through a brainstorming process to list possibilities, with her doing most of the talking, and plenty of time for thinking and silence. No evaluation during brainstorming. ie:
1. Call police (re death threats)
2. Call police (re pornography)
3. Call CPS (re abuse)
4. Talk to school counsellor
5. Talk to other adult, leader or teacher
6. Talk to the parents
7. Write a letter to... anonymously
8. Write a letter to... and sign it
9. Encourage the friend to...
10. Confront the boyfriend directly
11. Etc.
Then I would have her research each option, like: What is the phone number for each option? Where is so-and-so's office? Do I need an appointment? Do I know and/or trust so-and-so? Is such-and-such actually against the law in our state? What does CPS usually do regarding older teens? What might this plan 'cost' me or others? What are the chances of this plan succeeding in ending the abuse - low, medium, high?
Then I would have a teaching-discussion of what kind of obligations and duties a Christian has towards a friend, and also a person's duty as a member of society. In that discussion it would be core to teach that it is against Jesus' law of love to do nothing in a situation where someone is being victimized.
Then there would be prayer, and probably fasting.
Then I would ask her what we were going to do, what support she needed from me -- and stand behind her, even if I thought another course would be wiser. (But not if she wanted to do something genuinely dangerous without me there to step in.) And I would provide prayer uplifting, timelines and accountability.
< Message edited by bolt. -- 11/21/2009 1:13:20 PM >
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) he shot her and disfigured her for life. Threats to kill her or himself are serious business. 
Turning it around, if your daughter was in an abusive relationship and being threatened with death, wouldn't you want someone to let you know?
PLEASE PRAY FOR OUR TROOPS! 
I am going to suggest this. 
