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When are couples ready to start trying for a baby? - 10/27/2008 11:53:54 PM
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bella05
Posts: 36
Joined: 4/22/2008
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Hello all,
This is my second post of the day because I do have a lot of questions. ;)
My husband and I are thinking about trying for a baby. We've been married a little over a year. I'm 29, he's 30. I understand that having a baby is in God's hand (hopefully we will be blessed with a healthy baby). But I'm wondering if anyone can tell me when you knew you were ready to start a family.
Were you on the same page spiritually? Did you feel that you both traveled enough? Financially stable? Did you feel that you had enough time to work on your marriage without children?
I'm a little worried because I'm sort of the spiritual leader in the house at the moment. My husband is a believer but isn't there yet. Will this effect our family?
I feel that my "clock" is ticking and my husband and I don't want to have children too late. We would like more than 2 children, Lord Willing.
We're getting mixed messages from everyone. Some people say to wait because our lives will be completely different and enjoy the time now. Others say, why wait... children are a blessing, which I completely agree with. But then again, we've only been married a year and I feel like we haven't had enough alone time together. The time is moving so quickly and I'll be 30 before I know it.
Any advice will be very much appreciated. Thank you!
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RE: When are couples ready to start trying for a baby? - 10/28/2008 5:57:17 AM
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RamiRedeemed
Posts: 2628
Joined: 10/13/2008
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I just had to laugh for a moment when I read this. When I found out I was pregnant it was quite a shock. I phoned my mother crying and told her that we just were not ready to have a baby, that we were not old enough, hadn't been married long enough, that I wanted to own my own home first in a nice area of town with a pretty white picket fence... she laughed at me and told me that life happens when we're busy making plans. So true...
I think every couple gets ready at a different time. There's no set rules for it I suppose. My only advice for you is to wait a little while longer as you've only been married a year. My husband and I have been married for over two years and we have a beautiful 4 week old baby girl. I wouldn't trade her for anything but I do wish that we'd had more time just as a couple.
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Others talk because they have to say something.
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RE: When are couples ready to start trying for a baby? - 10/28/2008 7:12:29 AM
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creationtalk
Posts: 704
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quote:
Were you on the same page spiritually?
This is important, but not in my case.
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Did you feel that you both traveled enough?
Some people never travel more than 50 miles from where they are born. I travel almost as much now, if not more with a child than I did before he was born (single parent)
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Financially stable?
What is "financially stable"? On job loss and "financially stable" can go out the window. You need to be able to support the child(ren), but how much that takes really depends a lot on you. Children don't need a lot of "stuff", they need a lot of love. I think that my child was actually happier when I wasn't making much money and he didn't have much than he is now.
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Did you feel that you had enough time to work on your marriage without children?
I was pregnant or post-partum my entire marriage, so this doesn't apply. Then again, you may not want advice from someone married less than a year (xh cheated).
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I'm a little worried because I'm sort of the spiritual leader in the house at the moment. My husband is a believer but isn't there yet. Will this effect our family?
It can affect your family, but as long as you husband is a believer, the children know it, and he is supporting your efforts in the spiritual upbringing, I don't think it will matter that much. I attended a church where both husband and wife were ordained ministers. However, SHE was the one that preached and taught. He was more behind the scenes, organizing and managing ministries, handling financial matters, etc. She was acting under his headship though she was the teacher in the church. My mother was the spiritual head of my home, and I think she did a great job. In fact, I was not even sure my father was saved until after his death when I found some thing he had written where he talked about being saved.
Sorry...didn't answer your question. As Smokey Bear would say "Only YOU can decide when you are ready to have children."
Don't listen to anyone other than your husband...and God. The three of you are the only ones that need to be involved in the decision to have children.
However, don't have children simply because you are worried about age. Have children when you are emotionally ready for them. (my son was born when I was 37).
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RE: When are couples ready to start trying for a baby? - 10/28/2008 10:29:39 AM
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garsyt
Posts: 2208
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I had my first child 6 months after I turned 23 and my 4th and last child just over 7 years later. Hubby and I had been married 2.5 years when #1 was born.
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Were you on the same page spiritually? At the time we were. But from experience that can change too.
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Did you feel that you both traveled enough? I guess traveling was never a big deal for me. We do about the same before kids as we do know with kids. We were free to just pick things up and do whatever we wanted before kids, but that's okay too.
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Financially stable? Sure it's nice - but like someone else said financially stable can change in a heartbeat. Several years ago right after we had our 4th child and were in the midst of building our first new home, hubby lost the job he had had for 5 years. The company was sold and the new owners fired EVERYONE and brought in all new people. Hubby had a nice severance package that lasted a while, but it wasn't like getting a regular paycheck, plus we had bills to pay for the house. Now he's been at his current job for just over 2 years now but we've dealt with layoffs and such with finances being seriously affected. BUT we still made it through. Financial stability would be nice - but stuff happens weither you have kids or not and if you wait til things are perfect it is likely that you will always find an excuse not to have them.
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Did you feel that you had enough time to work on your marriage without children? Yes and we still work on it "without" kids. What I mean by that is we must ALWAYS work on our relationship between just us or what will our lives be like after the kids are all out of the home with families of their own.
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I'm a little worried because I'm sort of the spiritual leader in the house at the moment. My husband is a believer but isn't there yet. Will this effect our family?
Me too. and yes it will. Stay in prayer and God will lead you and your husband in the right direction.
Blessings,
Garsy
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RE: When are couples ready to start trying for a baby? - 10/28/2008 10:36:08 AM
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his_chosen
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Well... ds1 was a pill baby. We DID NOT want kids. Now we have four, with the other three somewhat planned.
We felt totally unprepared for ds1. We had been married a little over a year. Our relationship was rocky at best. But, when both lines showed up on the pregancy tests (yes, we did multiple!) well, it was time to grow up and get ready to be parents.
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RE: When are couples ready to start trying for a baby? - 10/28/2008 12:44:46 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 2596
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quote:
Were you on the same page spiritually? Did you feel that you both traveled enough? Financially stable? Did you feel that you had enough time to work on your marriage without children?
I'm a little worried because I'm sort of the spiritual leader in the house at the moment. My husband is a believer but isn't there yet. Will this effect our family?
IMO, these are things that should be resolved even before marriage, simply because if one marries and starts having sex, one needs to recognize that contraception fails and sometimes you simply will be a parent before you'd planned on it. For those yet unmarried, if having a child would shred your marriage or your life, you are not ready to marry.
However, you're already there so....
Financial stability--there are a million different definitions. What is yours? Are you wanting your dream house, dream car, and brand-new everything as your definition? Or a simpler lifestyle with a well-managed but low income?
Travel--You'd be surprised where you can go with a diaper bag and a baby backpack, especially if you breastfeed.  You can also travel when your kids are older, or when they are grown and gone. And how important is travel, actually, from an eternal perspective?
Spiritual leadership--what do you mean by that? What do you want from your husband? And if you are filling that role, why not step back a little and see if he's willing to step up?
We started our family on our honeymoon.  I was just barely 20 and our first was born 9 months after the wedding. The next two followed every two years. We are still not as "financially stable" as various folks would imagine necessary, but God is good and our children are so, so much more valuable than having more stuff, or better stuff, or newer stuff or whatever it is we lack. We also had serious problems in our marrage. Having children did not cause it, prevent it, make it worse, or make it better, but our babies were living daily reminders that we absolutely could not give up, and that we had loved each other enough at some point to do that which resulted in them. We got to know each other just fine, perhaps even quicker, as we dealt with pregnancy discomforts, birth and postpartum, and parenting along with the rest of life.
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RE: When are couples ready to start trying for a baby? - 10/29/2008 8:55:18 AM
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emjayzee
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Two out of my three children were unplanned and took us completely by surprise. The first came along before we were married. We were young and not thinking. But having a baby helped put us on the right path. We had not been living anything close to Godly lives and our son was our motivation to turn things around. So no, we were not on the same page spiritually, we were nowhere near financially stable, I wanted to travel a whole lot more...not the "ideal" situation by any means. But almost 12 years later, we are growing together spiritually every day, we own a house and live comfortably, and...well, we still need to work on the travel part. 
quote:
Some people say to wait because our lives will be completely different and enjoy the time now. Others say, why wait...
If you're ready to accept what God has planned for you, then you're ready. You never know what will happen. You can decide that you're ready to have a baby and not be able to conceive for months or years. You can decide that you're not ready yet and then get pregnant despite your plans. We just don't have as much control over our lives as we like to think we do.
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RE: When are couples ready to start trying for a baby? - 10/29/2008 11:32:11 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
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quote:
ORIGINAL: emjayzee
If you're ready to accept what God has planned for you, then you're ready. You never know what will happen. You can decide that you're ready to have a baby and not be able to conceive for months or years. You can decide that you're not ready yet and then get pregnant despite your plans. We just don't have as much control over our lives as we like to think we do.
I like this advice a lot!
It's wise to consider all the things you're considering - especially questions about being on the same page spiritually and what each of you expects of the other and of yourselves as parents. If there are big issues in your marriage, it's incredibly irresponsible to even consider adding a child into the mix. But you can't obsess over all the questions or getting ALL your ducks in a row!
If you wait till you think you're ready, you'll never have kids. And if you think you're ready, you're wrong!!  Truly. My kids are 7 and 9. We've been married 12 years. So that's how it worked out for us. Life's been through so many twists and turns over these years I never could've fathomed it! The kids themselves bring a whole dimension you just can't understand till you're in it. But life will also keep happening. My mom died in a car accident when dd was 6 months old. Ds was born a year later. I was post partum, hormonal, and grieving all at the same time. Those were rough years. Would we have done anything different in regards to having children or anything else, if we'd known what was coming? I think there's a reason you can't see what's coming down the road.
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RE: When are couples ready to start trying for a baby? - 10/31/2008 2:51:52 PM
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bella05
Posts: 36
Joined: 4/22/2008
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Thanks for all your advice! Of course my husband and I talked about when to have children before we got married. We decided to start trying around "30". And it's approaching fast...
Am I ready? I have no idea. I still feel like we need to spend more time together and iron out the bumps. Then again, I know it's out of our control.
I hope that I do get pregnant with a healthy baby! I also don't want to regret having a baby too soon in out marriage? Is that wrong?
Anyway, thanks again.
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RE: When are couples ready to start trying for a baby? - 10/31/2008 7:19:50 PM
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lexie
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My husband and I had a date set that we wanted to start trying. Our daughter entered the world before that date came along. We learned very quick that things don't always go as you plan.
We were nowhere near financially stable. In fact we were both finishing up our graduate degrees when we found out I was pregnant. But things worked out. We were thrilled to have our daughter and still are.
I always say if you wait until things are right in your eyes, you'll be forever waiting. I don't think there is anything wrong with setting dates for things or hoping for things at a certain time as long as you understand that things don't always work according to your timing and you are ok with whatever comes your way.
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I want to be more than an ordinary servant.
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RE: When are couples ready to start trying for a baby? - 10/31/2008 8:14:15 PM
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karlie
Posts: 16429
Joined: 4/10/2005
From: Central California
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quote:
IMO, these are things that should be resolved even before marriage
For some couples, serious issues come up after they start living together. They may have all the important things they know about worked out ahead of time. For some, the larger issues may be completely fine(finances, how many kids, where to live, child-rearing philosophy) but learning to actually live together under the same roof is more of an adjustment than they were anticipating. That can cause all kinds of tension that should be worked out before children are planned. Yes, in a perfect world, we'd all make those adjustments with grace and respect, but some couples have a hard time navigating that at first and they need some time to work those things out.
I personally think babies are a blessing any time, but if a couple is having a hard time adjusting to married life(and it does happen, whether or not people have worked out the "big" issues), and there is chaos and fighting in the home, it is unfair to plan to bring a child into that atmosphere until some level of peace is achieved between their parents. They don't need to be raised in a home with yelling, bickering, and tension, and sometimes, that happens simply from the adjustment phase. Obviously, birth control isn't always effective and babies come along at unexpected times,and when that happens, we accept the blessing with joy. But, why rush things until the marriage is on very solid footing?
Finances, time, travel...all those things can be worked around, but I think it's of vital important that if the marriage is experiencing adjustment difficulties to the point of chaos, those get worked out before they plan to have a child.
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You can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf~
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RE: When are couples ready to start trying for a baby? - 11/4/2008 6:49:24 PM
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laughinggirl
Posts: 271
Joined: 8/2/2005
From: Dallas, TX
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You will get many varied responses in this thread, based on very different personal experiences of the posters. Honestly, only you and your husband will know when you are ready to start planning. You with God's guidance.
I will say this. There is nothing at all wrong with trying to plan things wisely, even knowing that sometimes plans are divinely altered. If you know certain things are rough right now ("bumps" in your marriage, finances) that you are working through, it might not be wise to try and plan a baby right now. Nothing wrong with working through the issues, waiting until you've had more time together, or until you are more financially secure. Life will never be perfect, but things can change dramatically for the better in just a couple of years.
We haven't had issues in our marriage thus far, but we have waited until we had done some traveling together, had some savings, bought a house, enjoyed just being the two of us for a while. And we've done those things. We've been married 2.5 years and will probably wait until at least the 3 year mark to start trying to have a baby. That's what we've always agreed on, since the beginning. BTW, we are 35 and 34. It took us a long time to find each other.
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