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What to do RE: "friend" who dwells on the past? - 11/6/2008 11:00:17 AM
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savedbylove112
Posts: 110
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Deep In The Heart of Jersey
Status: offline
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I literally just sent this to "Dear Abby"--I'd be curious to see if she addresses it, if she hasn't already--but I really think I need a Godly perspective on this, so here you go!!
"How does one maintain a friendship with someone who contantly lives in the past? I met a woman at a temp job I had several years ago. I could tell back then (and so did everyone else) that this woman had issues regarding her past employment and how she was let go, as she had no problem reminding us whenever the subject matter veered in that direction. When we both left the temp job, we kept in touch via email, and when she went back to school and graduated, she invited me to her graduation party (that she threw for herself). Even there, she made a point to mention during a speech how she "had to go back to school because she'd been outsourced", and so forth. It's my understanding that this instance took place many years ago, and one would hope maybe she'd be over it by now, but just today, she forwarded a harsh, racist joke to her email friends, tacking on a note about how the original sender must have known she'd appreciate it because she'd been outsourced. Frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of her mentioning her job loss at every chance, and I can't be the only one in her circle who feels this way. But it is my place to try to gently say something, at risk of losing her friendship? I'm the kind of person who tries to be a positive influence (I didn't mention to Abby that I'm a Christian, and that this woman is not only NOT, but pretty much hates them), but I don't think it's working in this instance. Should I mention it to her, or just "Ignore" her from now on?"
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Jesus is Lord. Deal with it.
If religion is a crutch, then JESUS is my wheelchair.
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RE: What to do RE: "friend" who dwells on the... - 11/6/2008 1:17:43 PM
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deermousie
Posts: 1943
Joined: 9/26/2007
Status: online
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It sounds to me like the outsourcing injured her sense of worth, and she's constantly and desperately trying to fix it by getting feedback from others of how wrong it was that she was treated like she was worthless. "Please reassure me I'm not worthless!!!" may be her motto.
As long as she looks for her solution in people, she isn't going to find it. The only solution for worth is in Jesus, who knew we were lost in sin and gave us worth by dying in our place. That's so our sin could be forgiven and we could be in right relationship with God.
I'd look at this as a great opportunity to take God into this woman's life exactly where she needs Him. God tells us to share the Good News. He doesn't tell us to do that only if it doesn't cost us friendship. The important thing is that she gets the message; whatever happens afterwards isn't important when viewed from the vantage point of eternity.
So strap on your sword (God's Word, not the metal thing) and go to battle - it's a spiritual battle. Pray and speak. Either she'll hear you (because God opens her heart and will draw her to Him) or she'll just get mad (because God didn't open her heart or will do it later. Or will never do it. His choice). Our only job is to open our mouth. The results are in His hands and not your responsibility.
I am praying for you and for her. Go to battle, Christian. God is on your side.
_____________________________
Want to know where a certain word or phrase in the Bible is found? www.biblegateway.com Yay!
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RE: What to do RE: "friend" who dwells on the... - 11/8/2008 11:07:51 PM
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Focusing
Posts: 6013
Status: offline
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I agree with deermousie. It seems as if this woman is seeking validation for her feelings.
Next time she brings it up, you could simply say something along the lines of "you know, when one door closes, another one opens" and invite her to consider how her life has improved since leaving that other position. At this point, you can easily include a little of your own testimony and how it relates to your job situation.
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Instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend. That would be giving as the angels give.
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RE: What to do RE: "friend" who dwells on the... - 11/9/2008 1:51:25 AM
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Roberta_
Posts: 7416
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: East Bay Area
Status: offline
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Has she experienced a lot of emotional pain in life?
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RE: What to do RE: "friend" who dwells on the... - 11/10/2008 9:47:04 PM
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lovestowrite
Posts: 9
Joined: 8/2/2008
From: Canada
Status: offline
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I'm in a similar situation, but in my case instead of a friend it's my mother. She does nothing but complain about the past (as well as the present). Her negativity is very draining.
I also try to be a positive influence on others lives, but when they just can't move on, if it's draining you, you might have to let go. Maybe if you begin to avoid her more she will get the hint.
Try asking questions like "Well, what was good about the job?" "Did you make any good friends?" Ask her positive questions.
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