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What makes you want to come home? - 11/26/2008 4:24:25 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
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I could've posted in the marriage folder but I don't want marriage advice, I want to know what husbands think and what I'm missing.
Dh and I've been married 12 years. It's been up and down, mostly the usual stuff until about a year ago. Dh started what I'd call an emotional affair with one of my best friends (eventually turned physical but not sexual) and, although I knew about it at the time, he "came clean" with it about a month ago. Things have been so great; God is working in both of us and restoring us and doing an amazing work in our marriage. Maybe this is just an attack of the enemy, maybe I'm just having a bad day, but this is the first day I've felt this way in a LONG time - I feel like his last priority. I felt this way for several years and I guess I've been so relieved the last several weeks that he chose me, he chose us, and this is what he wants.
So today he "asked" if I minded if he stopped off with some people after work before coming home. He's got to know by now I'm not going to tell him what to do - I want him to want to do what I want and need or even to just want to come home to us. And it really didn't bother me at the time either. But the last hour this horrible but familiar feeling has come over me. This is also the second evening in a row he's gone somewhere with friends from work (two different sets of people) before coming home.
What would it take to make us the priority? What would it take to make us more appealing than anyone and anything else that comes along? I was really looking forward to him getting home for the long weekend. I guess I'm just hurt that time with us doesn't really excite him. This isn't how I wanted to start our holiday that I've really been looking forward to. Coming home to me, like this, certainly isn't appealing, I realize.
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RE: What makes you want to come home? - 11/26/2008 4:48:48 PM
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stamper_ben
Posts: 10366
Joined: 4/11/2005
From: Lone Star State
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I can't answer to your unique situation. I can tell you that I've been married for 31 years. I've always wanted to come home because that is where I belong. I've muddled my responsibilities badly over the years, especially before I was saved (the first 18 years of our marriage). That was when the kids were growing up. I wish I could have those years back.
But now, my wife is not in the best of places. She is bipolar and the depression is deep. Yes, there are times now, as in the past, when I do divert from coming straight home. Not to go out with the boys, but I'll take the long way home on occasion and drive a bit. Just a few extra minutes to myself. But I want to be at home because that is where I belong. I love and care for my wife. I need her and she needs me. I suppose we are somewhat co-dependent on each other.
We were separated for a short time a few months ago. When she wanted to come back home she asked why I would want to take her back. It's because I know her better than any other person on this earth. I made a vow to her, and even though I didn't acknowledge it at the time, before God, to love and honor her through good times and bad, in sickness and in health. I didn't take that lightly. I meant it.
Is temptation to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence there? Of course it is. But grass withers and fades. Besides, I LIKE the taste of the grass right here where I'm at.
_____________________________
We will be known as His by the love we show one another.
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RE: What makes you want to come home? - 11/26/2008 5:15:53 PM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
Joined: 3/24/2008
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Thanks, Ben. Dh is home and, instead of stewing or holding this in I told him what I was thinking and, as I knew full well, that was not his intention at all. It was kinda like an old habit from a long time ago, old stuff still in my head, or an old weak spot the enemy is still going to try from time to time.
So I'm OK but it's still an interesting question for anyone who'd like to weigh in. Any thoughts on how your wife can be the most interesting thing in your life to where you can turn down any and all other offers (even though there was a very good networking reason for making the appearance he did at this work-people outing tonight).
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RE: What makes you want to come home? - 11/26/2008 9:18:11 PM
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mrtigger
Posts: 321
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Is he going out a lot with the work group? I know you said he did so twice this week -- is being out multiple nights a week a common thing for him?
I think some amount (not twice a week though) of after work socializing with the work group is normal and healthy.... Perhaps you could sometimes attend with him and that way not feel left behind?
It really is up to him to put you and his kids first. That's part of the marriage deal. You don't say much about the home situation but even if things are bad at home, he still needs to put you and your kids first.
Although if there is trouble at home it does make it harder for a husband to do what he should.. So, address whatever issues that might be making it unpleasant at home but it's not your job, nor do I think you can, to make him want to come home.
How old is hubby?
_____________________________
mr tigger
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RE: What makes you want to come home? - 11/27/2008 8:05:17 AM
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csl7037
Posts: 2060
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Thanks - we're mid-30's (married 12 years). A group will do this maybe twice/month. This week happened to be Tuesday a group from the job he just left and yesterday a group from his new job. And I know he's trying to get in with these guys - he came into this company straight into senior management which was new for him and maybe a little unnerving - "hello, I'm your new boss" was awkward. So he's doing a lot of "internal networking" trying to establish good but appropriate relationships with these guys. For now he's excited to be invited; when the newness of that wears off he may not feel as compelled to go.
Things are phenomenal at home! Now. This was an absolute snap back for me last night to a time when things were very very strained and tense and I was very insecure. We talked about it when he got home - which was a giant step for me - and were totally back on track within five minutes...so tremendous given how things used to be allowed to fester and the silliest things because traumatic.
I do just want to be better at creating an irresistable environment for when he walks in the door so that he can't wait to get home!
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RE: What makes you want to come home? - 11/28/2008 12:33:53 AM
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vikingfan
Posts: 82
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As a single guy, I may not be the most qualified to answer this, but I'll give it a shot.
One way you can find out is to just ask him and this goes for both spouses. Genders are general and not all men are alike, just like not all women are alike.
Another way is to observe what he really enjoy or what he really likes. For example, if he usually likes your hair done a certain way and expresses appreciation, it might be good to keep your hair like that a lot. What chores or things does he usually do that you can do as well? Not that you have to do all his jobs, but maybe something that he was planning on doing and then he gets to it only to find that you did it already because you love him...I know that'd make me feel wanted and appreciated and coming home sooner.
Ultimately, the key is to pay attention and see what his needs/desires are. If he knows that he has a happy and willing wife who wants to spend time with him and love him and serve him, odds are better that he will be glad to be there.
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RE: What makes you want to come home? - 11/28/2008 2:49:29 PM
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terryjohn
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A man needs to feel needed. I come home to be with my family but some times I know they don't need me and the day will come when my son will definately not need me as much. So rather than sit aound like a spare part that no longer fits most men will look else where for we all need to feel like we belong to something. I personally like my independance and like to get away sometimes just to think and be by myself, but any relationship should be more of an energising than a discharging. If he wants to go fishing by himself that is okay for would we have prevented Christ his wilderness experience? Nevertheless, I still look forward to going out with just my wife.
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RE: What makes you want to come home? - 11/30/2008 1:00:42 PM
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APZR
Posts: 960
Joined: 4/18/2005
From: GA
Status: online
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Personally for me, it's keeping an organized and love filled home. Any screaming and yelling should be over rolling a Yahtzee, not over who has to scrub what bathroom. I work hard to provide what I can, and have worked hard to build the house we are living in. It makes me want to come home when I feel that what I have built and provided is being appreciated, respected, and well maintained. If the house is a mess, the kids are allowed to tear up everything, then I'll quit trying to provide a better life. A clue when I'm frustrated is when I spend more time outside working in the yard than inside "helping with chores". I don't mind cleaning up dirt and grease, but I can't clean when clutter is stacked from floor to ceiling. All I ask for is an organized home, because cleaning is easy after that. As for loving my wife, that's easy as we have been through thick and thin with each other. We have supported each other through good and bad, and I take great comfort in knowing that the support is there no matter how good or bad we have it.
< Message edited by APZR -- 11/30/2008 1:06:50 PM >
_____________________________
Ya can't keep trouble from visitin, but you don't have to offer it a chair.
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RE: What makes you want to come home? - 11/30/2008 11:54:55 PM
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HisFish
Posts: 685
Joined: 8/3/2005
From: Rocky mountain way
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: stamper_ben
I can't answer to your unique situation. I can tell you that I've been married for 31 years. I've always wanted to come home because that is where I belong. I've muddled my responsibilities badly over the years, especially before I was saved (the first 18 years of our marriage). That was when the kids were growing up. I wish I could have those years back.
But now, my wife is not in the best of places. She is bipolar and the depression is deep. Yes, there are times now, as in the past, when I do divert from coming straight home. Not to go out with the boys, but I'll take the long way home on occasion and drive a bit. Just a few extra minutes to myself. But I want to be at home because that is where I belong. I love and care for my wife. I need her and she needs me. I suppose we are somewhat co-dependent on each other.
We were separated for a short time a few months ago. When she wanted to come back home she asked why I would want to take her back. It's because I know her better than any other person on this earth. I made a vow to her, and even though I didn't acknowledge it at the time, before God, to love and honor her through good times and bad, in sickness and in health. I didn't take that lightly. I meant it.
Is temptation to wonder if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence there? Of course it is. But grass withers and fades. Besides, I LIKE the taste of the grass right here where I'm at.
Your a good man, a good husband blessed of God.You got to the essence of it; You vowed before God, you meant it, and have remained faithful to your resolve.
_____________________________
The theology of the present aims at the deification of man, but the truth of all time
magnifies God . C. H. Spurgeon
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RE: What makes you want to come home? - 12/1/2008 8:49:54 AM
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John_O
Posts: 8010
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: csl7037
I do just want to be better at creating an irresistable environment for when he walks in the door so that he can't wait to get home!
You just did. You were honest with him and didn't hold stuff back. Knowing that you trust him enough to talk to him, and knowing that there's no buried/hidden problems makes the home a whole lot nicer to come to.
(And sending the kids to grandma's overnight and meeting him at the door wrapped only in Saran wrap would be nice sometimes too.
I tried that once, no really I did, the wife took one look at me and said "Oh No, leftovers again" Talk about ruining the mood.  )
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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RE: What makes you want to come home? - 12/3/2008 10:03:38 PM
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jn1010lf
Posts: 349
Joined: 4/20/2005
Status: offline
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Hello csl7037
Let me say that men, by their nature, have to work at becoming domesticated. Many simply prefer to do the wild and wandering bit. Perhaps its a reluctance to grow up, as most boys dream of hopping a frieght car and just going wherever ti takes him.
On the other hand, there are women that have difficulty in honoring their husband. They lack understanding of the male ego that needs to be fed. We're like that, you know.
Now I have no way of knowing whether both are operating here or it's just one of you. But you need to sit him down and get to the bottom of this. It's not unreasonable for a wife to expect her husband to give her priority over every other relationship: mama, daddy, family or friends.
Marriage requires that two people adjust and meld into each other. In my 71 years of life, I'm convinced that only the Holy Spirit working in both that this melding ever occurs to any great degree.
May the Lord bless you in your lives together.
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RE: What makes you want to come home? - 12/4/2008 6:22:07 PM
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makarizo
Posts: 3000
Joined: 4/13/2005
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I have never been married, but have plenty of friends who talk about struggles, good things, bad things and stuff.
the topic of discussion has come up more than once. One friend told me that when he went home, he just wanted to unwind for a bit, and he wasn't getting the chance to do that "ever"
maybe that is unique to him and a few other men, but it was a very valid reason (to him) for taking the long way home.
_____________________________
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RE: What makes you want to come home? - 12/4/2008 10:06:04 PM
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John_O
Posts: 8010
Joined: 9/5/2006
Status: online
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quote:
ORIGINAL: makarizo
I have never been married, but have plenty of friends who talk about struggles, good things, bad things and stuff.
the topic of discussion has come up more than once. One friend told me that when he went home, he just wanted to unwind for a bit, and he wasn't getting the chance to do that "ever"
maybe that is unique to him and a few other men, but it was a very valid reason (to him) for taking the long way home.
This is a common thing. Men have been talking all day long and we just want to rest for a oment. But our loving and lovely wives have not been talking to us and they want to renew that link to us. Huge area of compromise that needs to be talked out and solved together.
_____________________________
Psalms 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
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