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Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/18/2009 9:38:10 AM
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Fritzpw_Admin
Posts: 8424
Joined: 2/28/2005
From: New Jersey
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quote:
Restoring what the Locusts Have Eaten
Kristine Steakley - Author, Child of Divorce, Child of God
Editor's Note: This article was excerpted from Kristine Steakley's new book Child of Divorce, Child of God (InterVarsity Press, 2008).
While I was growing up, I adored my father. Perhaps it was easy to do so since I only saw him for a few weeks each year. But there really was a lot to adore. My father is handsome and charming and witty. He likes to have goofy fun, he has an artistic flair and long ago he acquired an urban sophistication. When I was little, he would take pictures of me from all different angles like I was a model posing for Vogue, then hand over the camera and ham it up while I snapped a few shots of him. He bought me my first tape recorder and encouraged me to record my thoughts and conduct interviews. He was my first interview subject, and I still giggle when I listen to the tape and hear his purposefully silly answers to my very serious questions.
By the time I was a teenager, I knew Dad was not perfect. For one thing, he was a procrastinator and was often late. I remember once running through LAX desperately trying to get to the gate before boarding closed, while Dad waited for my bags to go through security and then ran after me. (I made it, but just barely.) And he was not the most practical guy. One fun day at the beach with him resulted in the two of us lounging in agony in front of fans, our skin the color of just-boiled lobsters because Dad did not bring sunblock and I was too young to think of it myself.
Still, if ever a girl thought her father walked on clouds, it was me. And then he disappeared in the clouds, and I didn’t see him for eight long years. When I did finally see him again, he tried to get me to call him Bill instead of Dad. I remember the first few times I saw him after those eight years, when the walls that had been erected were slowly being dismantled. There were some awkward moments, some tentative conversations. Something in our relationship was broken, shattered, and while we were picking up the pieces and slowly applying glue, there were still a lot of jagged edges and missing parts.
<<SNIP>>
Just because we have grown up in homes the world refers to as broken does not mean that we have to remain broken for the rest of our lives. Yes, there have been a lot of broken, shattered things in our lives, and sometimes sharp fragments are still lying around, waiting to **** us in unsuspecting moments. But we do not have to live in a constant and lifelong state of disarray and destruction.
An atomic bomb was dropped on our family, but with time, new green shoots of life can spring up from the charred wreckage...
Read the rest of Restoring what the Locusts Have Eaten
Do you come from a broken family? How has God brought healing in the midst of the destruction?
_____________________________
Fred "Fritz" Alberti
Director of Social Media
fritz@salemwebnetwork.com
Read today's Bible verse from my favorite online Bible
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/18/2009 9:53:30 AM
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daughteroftheking718
Posts: 19
Joined: 1/10/2007
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In short yes I did grow up in a broken home. Yes my parents are still married, BUT the fight every day, sometimes at all hours of the day and have regularly dragged the kids into it. This has caused distrust with my parents and as such I do not nor ever will trust my parents.
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/18/2009 11:36:01 AM
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allisonbrett
Posts: 813
Joined: 5/29/2008
From: A bit north of the Big Chicken
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Yes, we were a broken family. My "christian" father walked out on my mom and me when I was 12. He left for his best friend's wife. This was just one in what may have been dozens of affairs he had over their 21 year marriage. Several even contacted my mother not realizing he was married with children. A professional, he was never home but busy with work, his hobbies or his arrogant lifestyle. His self-centered world never really included children despite him having two. My brother much older was grown and gone by the time he finally left. In the years that followed, my brother fell deeper into his alcohol and drug addiction while I struggled to make sense of a neglectful and now absent father. The rejection was acute!
I was blessed with a wonderful step-father who went to be with the Lord back in 1993. He was far more a daddy to me than my biological father ever was. He restored my faith that there are still godly men in this world who are loving and kind, devoted and comitted. I will forever be grateful for his presence in my life and in the life of my mom. With this man and the Lord our brokenness began to heal.
Today, my 77 yo father still is quite self-absorbed and rarely communicates with my brother or I. We get the obligatory card at birthdays (even with misspelled names!) and now see him at Christmas. His only grandchild do not know him. My brother and I have each come to accept him as he is and let it go. With the Lord's help my anger, resentment and bitterness towards him has ceased and been replaced by pity. My brother has since found recovery from his addictions and is beginning to be open to the Lord. Through many years of heartache and the pain of reject I finally discover that I truly am Daddy's Little Girl. It's not in the way that I would have expected but in a manner beyond words. I am a child of God. That makes me Daddy's little girl. It took me a very long time to recognize that. I can only assume that forgiveness is a huge part of that realization.
_____________________________
Allison
A work in progress so please be patient, God is still working on me. Ouch, it sure is painful!
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/18/2009 1:53:07 PM
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eaglelady11
Posts: 297
Joined: 7/20/2005
Status: offline
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yes I do and they continue to hurt me. I became a Christian back in 1993 and although I am not perfect christian of the world, have tried to grow and be more christ-like. this has caused a great chasm in my relationship with my mother and sister, both are unsaved. It was a dysfunctional family starting out: my dad was an alcoholic and overeater and mom takes prescription pills and is always angry because she never forgave my father. My sister, slept around, married quite a few times and now pretends to be miss charming. she is so hypocritical and I hate it. I hate sin, I hate the sin in them, I hate the sin in me. I went into recovery and therapy and stopped drinking myself. They hate me because I show them what they really are, and because I do not play the dysfunctional game anymore.
God sets the lonely in families. God restores the fortunes. Psalm 119 is big in my life right now about save me from the pit and from the snare that they have set for me, let them fall into the snare. Deliver me form evil Lord. I cry out to you. the church family has been amazing, so has my AA family, accepting me, warts and all.
And the Boundaries workshop saved my life. It's okay to set boundaries. It's okay to leave mothers, brother, and sisters to follow God who will replace them with good, loving godly people, not people who manipulate and jockey for position and money.
I am really hurt and haven't healed. To confess the truth, when I feel threatened, I become verbally abusive and hurtful myself. David asks God to put a muzzle over his mouth, I need to ask that a lot. and I am filled with unforgiveness and fear and need to forgive and ask God to replace my fear with perfect love. I also need to stop being so selfish and look how I can help those who are less fortunate than myself. that's the purpose of life, to help others by using our gifts and talents. I pray at the right time, I can move out and get my own place and have my own musical instruments and a place of peace.
< Message edited by eaglelady11 -- 11/18/2009 1:59:35 PM >
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/18/2009 11:50:14 PM
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CMT8808
Posts: 464
Joined: 9/4/2009
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Yes, I grew up in broken homes. I say it in plural simply because when my mother was married to my father it was violent. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was violent.
She left my father to drive across country with a man she had met. Not only was he younger than her, but had 3 reasons why he married her. He sexually abused my sisters and me and we had to deal with my mother's verbal, emotional, and physical abuse.
There was a lot of confusion in our family, as our stepfather molested us, yet read his bible daily. My mother a non practicing Catholic had me steal for her. Imagin this, I refused stating it was wrong and I get punished for it!
Because we were young their manipulation and control impacted our adult lives and in some weird way made us dependent upon them that it filtered into our marriages. Including questions about the marital bed, jealousy from the stepfather, I know crazy.
Through the mistake of my first marriage which was also abusive and ended, that my life started to change.
I knew I believed in God, got saved, yet did not really understand having a relationship because of what had transpired in my younger life.
It took a very Patient, Loving and Merciful God that showed me many things.
Plus blessing me with a loving husband and child (which I was told since I was 18 y/o that I couldn't have any.) And a lot that He wants me to learn I am learning from my 3 y/o. 
CMT
_____________________________
formerly Delete 123
Never Underestimate the Power of God
Romans 8:28, Proverb 3:5
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/19/2009 1:11:32 PM
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DaveW
Posts: 3957
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
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Yes. Long ugly story. Divorces back 3 generations on both sides.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
We are now empty nesters.......
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/19/2009 2:57:52 PM
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Simway
Posts: 160
Joined: 4/12/2005
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While it wasn't " broken" it was dysfuncional. And has caused me a world of problems. I grew up feeling like I could do nothing right, my father was always making comments that let me know what I did, and said was't quite right in his eyes.
Simway
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/19/2009 5:23:20 PM
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Redjasper
Posts: 407
Status: offline
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All atheists... A father with a serious mental illness, aggressive and illogical, and a mother with victim mentality and depression, add control and manipulation. My mother used me as a confidant to complain day and night about my wicked grandmother who lived in my room, and who cursed me when I was born saying I wasn't from my father and wished that I die, albeit I'm a female version of face of my father, couldn't be more obvious, in addition to my bipolar, which is from their line of generations. My grandfather committed suicide when my father was 10, and that year my father had a serious accident involving a bomb exploding in his hands. He survived. My mother was forced to get married by her parents at the age of 16 because in that culture in a small village that was the custom. She got divorced later. They controlled me and manipulated for so long in my life without realizing it that finally got the wake up call from God through my brother. I'm still struggling with emotional separation and distance myself from them, but got great advice from this forum and I'm reading books, just ordered Boundaries, because by them invading, manipulating, and abusing my soul emotionally took its toll, destroyed my self-esteem and as a result I'm unable to figure out where I begin and end in terms of boundaries (when your boundaries are invaded by your parents' aggressiveness and control, you become naked inside and have no idea how to protect yourself from other invaders, which could be with intention or on purpose, but you have little ability to distinguish between the two). Thank the Lord, I was never sexually abused, although my BIL tried it one time but my sister was very strong and dealt with it very well. I'm so sad to read that so many people had to endure even much worse than I did.
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/19/2009 8:19:52 PM
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hotsaucygma
Posts: 5025
Joined: 4/12/2005
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No. I had a loving family, my parents had a good marriage. Was it "perfect", no, but they loved each other and us (brother and I).
In some ways that made it harder when my own marriage/family came apart. My boys and I are still a close family, but it will always hurt all of us that the marriage finally fell apart 7 years ago.
I didn't come from a broken family, but I have had one. My Exhusband died a couple years ago, so I guess the boys and I are our whole family now - again.
But I agree with the article - we may have been broken, but we can be healed. The Lord has restored much, and the "locusts" were not allowed to have totally devoured us.
_____________________________
Arrogance boasts. Confidence is quiet, it has no need to boast.
Wisdom from an email I received a few days ago.
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/20/2009 1:39:10 PM
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eaglelady11
Posts: 297
Joined: 7/20/2005
Status: offline
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redjasper, Boundaries helped me a lot. A lot is an understatement, it saved my life. I saw not only myself and how I contribute to letting them get to me, but I also saw the family dynamic and that it is okay to set boundaries. We have a hard time communicating deeply and being honest in my family of origin. so my honesty and endeavor to live a godly life is anomaly to them. hang in there. I know the blessings come, they always do.
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/20/2009 3:07:16 PM
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bricole77
Posts: 358
Joined: 7/28/2006
From: Grand Haven, MI
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Fritzpw_Admin
quote:
Restoring what the Locusts Have Eaten
Kristine Steakley - Author, Child of Divorce, Child of God
Editor's Note: This article was excerpted from Kristine Steakley's new book Child of Divorce, Child of God (InterVarsity Press, 2008).
While I was growing up, I adored my father. Perhaps it was easy to do so since I only saw him for a few weeks each year. But there really was a lot to adore. My father is handsome and charming and witty. He likes to have goofy fun, he has an artistic flair and long ago he acquired an urban sophistication. When I was little, he would take pictures of me from all different angles like I was a model posing for Vogue, then hand over the camera and ham it up while I snapped a few shots of him. He bought me my first tape recorder and encouraged me to record my thoughts and conduct interviews. He was my first interview subject, and I still giggle when I listen to the tape and hear his purposefully silly answers to my very serious questions.
By the time I was a teenager, I knew Dad was not perfect. For one thing, he was a procrastinator and was often late. I remember once running through LAX desperately trying to get to the gate before boarding closed, while Dad waited for my bags to go through security and then ran after me. (I made it, but just barely.) And he was not the most practical guy. One fun day at the beach with him resulted in the two of us lounging in agony in front of fans, our skin the color of just-boiled lobsters because Dad did not bring sunblock and I was too young to think of it myself.
Still, if ever a girl thought her father walked on clouds, it was me. And then he disappeared in the clouds, and I didn’t see him for eight long years. When I did finally see him again, he tried to get me to call him Bill instead of Dad. I remember the first few times I saw him after those eight years, when the walls that had been erected were slowly being dismantled. There were some awkward moments, some tentative conversations. Something in our relationship was broken, shattered, and while we were picking up the pieces and slowly applying glue, there were still a lot of jagged edges and missing parts.
<<SNIP>>
Just because we have grown up in homes the world refers to as broken does not mean that we have to remain broken for the rest of our lives. Yes, there have been a lot of broken, shattered things in our lives, and sometimes sharp fragments are still lying around, waiting to **** us in unsuspecting moments. But we do not have to live in a constant and lifelong state of disarray and destruction.
An atomic bomb was dropped on our family, but with time, new green shoots of life can spring up from the charred wreckage...
Read the rest of Restoring what the Locusts Have Eaten
Do you come from a broken family? How has God brought healing in the midst of the destruction?
Was abused in different ways by a family member for years.
Do I let it be a crutch or define who I am today? No I completely forgave that person and let my past die with my old self.
_____________________________
~*britanni *~
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/20/2009 4:03:10 PM
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A-Mighty-Oak
Posts: 16992
Joined: 4/13/2005
From: Formerly known as Humbleinspirit
Status: offline
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I did, however this actually not only drew my family closer, but I was assigned a Big Brother from the Big Brother Association as well.
_____________________________
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/23/2009 8:01:01 AM
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DaveW
Posts: 3957
Joined: 4/12/2005
From: MD suburbs of Washington DC
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bricole77
Was abused in different ways by a family member for years.
Do I let it be a crutch or define who I am today? No I completely forgave that person and let my past die with my old self. That is good. My wife endured abuse for several years as a grade schooler. It took a long time for her to walk truly free from all that stuff. It can warp how you grow as a person.
_____________________________
Avatar is my son Caleb and Leah on their wedding 12/20/09
We are now empty nesters.......
====================================
Our CD is now available here:
http://cdbaby.com/cd/dswaggoner
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/23/2009 10:05:45 AM
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makarizo
Posts: 2222
Joined: 4/13/2005
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: bricole77
Was abused in different ways by a family member for years.
Do I let it be a crutch or define who I am today? No I completely forgave that person and let my past die with my old self.
me too!! I rose above my circumstance and found my identity in Christ. Today (20-30 years later) my parents are good friends.
Letting go of bitterness is the key to Spiritual growth (eph 4:31)
_____________________________
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/23/2009 10:34:47 PM
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lionofzion56
Posts: 369
Joined: 6/23/2008
Status: offline
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yes. Broken home. My mom left my dad. She left me too. She remarried. But my Dad never seemed to get over it. He is still "single". He lives with his mother (my grandmother....) but he doesnt socialize very much to my knowledge and I am kindof afraid that he is letting go of everything.... it makes me sad.
Please pray for my Dad. I feel the same in a lot of ways the author of the article felt about her dad. My dad would do anything to make me laugh. He has given so much of himself for me and my brother. He hasnt always been perfect, because he did things his way and not exactly Christian, but he gives his all.
He didnt know his real dad. my moms parents were also divorced.
I hate that word.
I desperatly hope and pray that my future marriage and even my brothers be holy, sanctified and special to the Lord. I never want to go through that ever again.
I believe marriage is a ministry. and unless you look at it like that and have the Lord in the middle it usually isnt very strong.
anyways.... I pray for healing and hope and for my Daddy.
_____________________________
Embrace Yourself!
Since love grows within you, so beauty grows. For love is the beauty of the soul."--St. Augustine
psalm 23-want for nothing!
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RE: Did you grow up in a broken family? - 11/24/2009 12:09:44 PM
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mrf084
Posts: 125
Joined: 12/14/2007
Status: offline
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Like so many others first dysfunctional and then eventually broken shortly after my 17th birthday. Abuse and alcoholism were present. Verbal battles and emotional blackmail were an everday occurance.
To me the divorce was a relief. It was that dysfunctional and scary. My parents were ramping up to do serious permenant physical damage to each other. They had already done the emotional damage to each other and us as children.
At the age of 12 I was saved after attending a VBS that the daughter of a neighborhood Pastor had been allowed to put on at her house. From that time on my God protected me from the emotional damage but my brother and sister are still struggling with bitterness and emotional distance. Thankfully neither one drinks.
I confronted my father about his alcoholism over 20 years ago and he was confronted by his current wife (my stepmom) as well. It didn't hurt that God gave him a little heart attack scare at the same time. He started attending AA and has been sober ever since. His body pays the price of the abuse though. We now have a closer relationship than we ever did as father and child, though it is different. It is a father- adult child relationship. I wouldn't trade it for the world.
My mother is currently on her third marriage. She rarely calls or writes or visits. She has moved 500 miles away and finances have made it impossible to visit on my part. We were very close when I was a child and I admired her greatly. I don't think she understands how to transition to an adult relationship and I find it hard to relate to her because for the last few years I was in the house I was the adult and she was emotionally and mentally dysfunctional. I then went into the Navy and returned to totally different circumstances with her which I am still trying to sort out. I hope to restore that relationship as the writer did in the near future to something I can cherish as I do the relationship with my father. God Bless you all.
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